The $1,000,000 Rhombus

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme April 8, 1995

Author's Note: During the production of this episode, fellow cast member Brian Lutz and I were taking part in a get-together of people on the alt.tv.game-shows newsgroup. Good luck figuring out exactly what the rules to "The $1,000,000 Rhombus" are. Siggy and Mr. Announcer's first exchange is supposed to be a topical reference to the O.J. trial.

SIGGY
Good morning, Mr. Announcer. What's the news today?

MR. ANNOUNCER
LOS ANGELES--In...

SIGGY
Hold it right there. I don't want to hear anything about that.

SOUND FX: Knock at door

MR. ANNOUNCER
It's the doorbell. Do you want me to see who it is?

SIGGY
Sure, go ahead. I'll just sit here and read the comics.

MR. ANNOUNCER
It's a hand-delivered letter for you, boss.

SIGGY
For me? I wonder what it could be....It's an invitation to appear on a game show...today!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Really? What game show?

SIGGY
"The Million Dollar Rhombus."

MR. ANNOUNCER
Oh, I announce for that sh--whoops.

SIGGY
Mr. Announcer! If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times...no moonlighting!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Sorry, boss.

SIGGY
Well, I guess it's all right this one time, but only because I'm going to be on the show. We'd better get to the studio. I'll bring my autoharp.

MUSIC: Show theme, first few bars

MR. ANNOUNCER
Here we are at Studio Twelve. I'll be up in the announcer's booth. There's the host, Lex Rebeck, over there. It looks like he's practicing reading the questions.

SIGGY
I'd better go introduce myself.

HOST
Ooooh, I'm sorry, Philand--Philander. What kind of a name is that? I'm sorry, Philander, the correct response was 'Helium.'

SIGGY
Mr. Rebeck? I'm one of the contestants, Siggy Llama...wait a minute, did you say Philander? As in Philander J. Buchanan, my beautiful neighbor Ellen's brother, with whom I've never seen eye to eye?

HOST
That's right, I did.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Ten seconds to air!

HOST
Whoops! Could you go stand behind that podium over there? Thanks.

MUSIC: "Match Game '76" theme begins

MR. ANNOUNCER
Today...one of these three contestants could win big bucks. Stay tuned for fun and excitement, it's...

EVERYONE
Million Dollar Rhombus!

MR. ANNOUNCER
And let's meet our players. He's a humorist whose hobbies include playing the autoharp and hosting his own radio show. Welcome Siggy Llama....He's a millionaire playboy whose hobbies include thwarting Siggy Llama. Welcome Philander J. Buchanan the Third....She's a homemaker whose hobbies include knitting. Welcome Beatrice Appleby. And here's your host, the man with the rhombus and the cash, Lex Rebeck!

MUSIC: Theme ends

HOST
Thank you, Mr. Announcer. We have three great contestants today, so let's get right into it. Philander, you're the wealthiest of the contestants. Why don't you start us off?

PHILANDER
Thank you, Lex. I'll take "Presidents Named Chester" for five hundred.

HOST
The clue...he was a president named Chester. Siggy, you rang in first.

SIGGY
Who was Chester Arthur?

HOST
Correct. You have first crack at the Big Rhombus. Hit your plunger to stop it.

SOUND FX: Beep beep beep beep beep...

SIGGY
Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies, no whammies, big bucks...

HOST
Oh, too bad. A whammy.

WHAMMY
[Jer does something.]

HOST
You lose all your money and control of the board goes to Philander.

SIGGY
But I didn't hit my plunger! I didn't even yell "stop!"

HOST
I'm sorry. Philander?

PHILANDER
Lex, I can name that tune in no notes.

HOST
All right. You're getting only the clue to help you. In 1967, the Beatles used this "spicy" tune as the title track for the album "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

PHILANDER
Is it "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"?

HOST
Yes! That is correct! No doubt you picked up on "spicy"...and pepper is a spice. We'll shuffle the categories again...Nursery Rhymes, Jump-in, and Rich People.

PHILANDER
I'll take Rich People.

HOST
Name the owner of Buchanan Airlines and the Buchanan Motor Car Company. We'll give you a few seconds to think about it.

MUSIC: "Tic Tac Dough" think music [performed by Jim]

PHILANDER
It's my father. Philander J. Buchanan the Second.

HOST
What a coincidence. That's correct. X gets the square. And that's the end of our first round. Let's spend a few minutes in conversation with our players. Siggy Llama is a radio comedian. It says here that you play the autoharp.

SIGGY
That's right, Lex. In fact, I brought it here if you want a demonstration.

HOST
That won't be necessary. I used to play the autoharp. And to this day, my mother still has cotton in her ears. Next to you is Philander J. Buchanan. We introduced you as a millionaire playboy, but you don't only spend your time living the sweet life, is that correct?

PHILANDER
That's right. I also make elaborate plans to thwart Siggy Llama.

HOST
Is this one of those elaborate plans?

PHILANDER
Well, I don't want to tip my hand too early. We're teeing off at eight-fifteen on Sunday, by the way.

HOST
Okay, I'll see you then. We haven't heard from our third contestant yet in the game. Beatrice Appleby, it says here that you're in a knitting club. What activities do you participate in?

BEATRICE
Oh, there's six of us who get together every so often and just knit. There's usually no competition, but sometimes we try to see who can make the best-looking sweater or who can knit a baby bootie the fastest.

HOST
Fun stuff. We'll be back with more "Million Dollar Rhombus" after this.

SIGGY
I really need to calm down after that first round...Even though we've never seen eye to eye, Philander, would you like a Vapo cigarette to calm you down?

PHILANDER
No thanks. I'm just here as part of my elaborate plan to thwart you. Within the next fifteen minutes, you'll be the biggest loser ever on "Million Dollar Rhombus."

SIGGY
What about her?

PHILANDER
It takes three to play the game, so we grabbed her off the street.

SIGGY
Well, your nefarious plans won't bring me down, Philander J. Buchanan the third! I'll come back in the second round!

PHILANDER
Not likely, Siggy, not likely.

MUSIC: Show theme, first few bars

HOST
We've got just one minute to go in the Double Rhombus round. Philander is leading with ninety-seven thousand, Siggy has two hundred, and thanks to that correct response in "The Nose," Beatrice is on the board with twenty dollars. Philander, you have control. Pick a square.

PHILANDER
I'll take Don Adams for the block.

HOST
Don Adams, from 'The New Get Smart.' What does "FBI" stand for?

DON ADAMS
Hold on a minute, I have a call on my shoe phone. Hello?...Not now, dear, I'm busy. I'll call you back. Uhhh...FBI stands for the Federal Bureau of Information.

HOST
Philander, do you agree or disagree?

PHILANDER
I'm going to have to disagree.

HOST
FBI stands for...the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

DON ADAMS
Missed it by that much.

HOST
X gets the square for the block.

SOUND FX: Car horn [Jim]

HOST
That sound means it's the end of Double Rhombus. And it's time for Super Rhombus. Philander looks unapproachable, but anything can happen in this final round. While all three contestants make their wagers, here's Mr. Announcer to describe the prizes for the runners-up.

MR. ANNOUNCER
For today's second-place contestant, a brand new autoharp! The Consolidated Instruments Model Nine Hundred features all the chords necessary to play today's popular music and the hits of yesterday. Plus, it's fully portable. Today's third-place contestant will win Mr. Coffee. Joe DiMaggio says it's the world's best coffeemaker. And all contestants will receive the Million Dollar Rhombus Home Game. From Milton Bradley...the key to fun and learning. Million Dollar Rhombus...the four sides equal excitement.

HOST
All right. Siggy and Beatrice are in headphones. Philander, talk about... knitting.

PHILANDER
Knitting? I thought the word was going to be "money"! You told me the word was going to be "money"! Forget golfing with me this weekend!

HOST
Let's see...you didn't say any of the ten pre-selected "knitting" words. And how much was your wager? All of it? Oooooh, that drops you down to zero. Now Siggy is taking his headphones off...Siggy, talk about...knitting.

SIGGY
Uh...I'm knitting my brow because I don't know what to say about knitting.

HOST
You didn't say any of the ten pre-selected "knitting" words, either, and your wager was...all of it. You've dropped down to zero, and you're tied with Philander.

SIGGY
You bet it all, too?

PHILANDER
Shut up.

HOST
Beatrice, if you say just one word about this subject, you'll win the game. Talk about...knitting.

BEATRICE
Oh, my. I don't know where to begin. You take some yarn...

HOST
Yes! "Yarn" is one of the words. How much was your wager? You bet everything. Beatrice, you can spend your forty dollars in the living room.

BEATRICE
Uh...for thirty-eight dollars, I'll take the ceramic dalmatian.

HOST
All right, and your remaining two dollars will go on a gift certificate. Beatrice will be back tomorrow, and I hope you are too. Enjoy the rest of your day, and we'll see you next time on the Rhombus.

MUSIC: "Match Game '76" theme begins

MR. ANNOUNCER
Some members of our studio audience may receive...Vapo Cigarettes. The sweet 'n' tasty mint tobacco treat. Vapo Cigarettes...we'll never add a filter. Prices of the prizes were furnished to the contestants prior to the show. Contestants must meet eligibility requirements. This is Mr. Announcer speaking for Million Dollar Rhombus...a Philander J. Buchanan television production.

MUSIC: Theme ends/first two bars of show theme

MR. ANNOUNCER
Look at it this way...at least Philander didn't win, either.

SIGGY
But he was leading going into Super Rhombus, so he came in second! And he smashed the autoharp over my head.

MR. ANNOUNCER
This Mr. Coffee sure makes delicious coffee, though. Just the thing to drink while smoking a pack or two of Vapos.

SIGGY
That's my old Mr. Coffee. The one they gave me didn't work. And what I really wanted was a toaster!

MUSIC: First four bars of show theme