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Oracularities from Digests 700-799

787-01

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the Ivy League?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A better question would be, "What WAS the Ivy League?"  It was a
} baseball league that existed from 1905 to 1908 as a competitor to the
} National and American Leagues.  With little to no money for travel, the
} teams were located solely in the Northeast.  Here's a list of the
} teams:
}
} * New York Subway Motormen
} * Boston Fishermen
} * Philadelphia Founding Fathers
} * Providence (R.I.) Clippers
} * New Haven (Ct.) Blue Sox
} * Princeton (N.J.) Gardeners
} * Ithaca (N.Y.) Sparrows
} * Hanover (N.H.) Green Mountaineers
}
} The Ivy League had several problems.  First of all, with an odd number
} of teams, scheduling proved to be nearly impossible.  Second, the
} American and National Leagues repeatedly refused to include the Ivy
} League in postseason play, since there would have had to have been an
} extra round of the postseason.  And third, most of the teams had really
} stupid names.
}
} After the Ivy League folded, sportswriter D.L. Wright of the New York
} Sentinel-Bugle and Morning Call-Express noticed that the cities which
} had had Ivy League teams also had something in common: they were home
} to well-respected universities with strict admissions standards and a
} high academic reputation--which, of course, didn't translate into
} success with their athletic endeavors.  Also, some of them had stupid
} names, such as the "Big Red," "Big Green," and the "Elis."  On
} September 4, 1909, Wright jokingly referred to the "Ivy League" in his
} column previewing the upcoming college football season.
}
} Other sportswriters picked up on the irony, and the term "Ivy League"
} is still used today to refer to Columbia, Harvard, the University of
} Pennsylvania, Brown, Yale, Princeton, Cornell, and Dartmouth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a New York Subway Motormen autographed baseball.

Danger...inside joke781-08

Note: At the time I wrote this answer, a controversy was raging on rec.humor.oracle.d (which I haven't read or posted to for years now) about Joel Furr's pronouncement that both people who used the "askme" function, and people who let questions pass without answering them, didn't deserve to live. I kept quiet during the flame war, but as a person who occasionally did both, I couldn't resist a jab at Mr. Furr in this answer. 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>    O Acute Oracle, whose Verbose Ramblings never make me feel
> soporific, please tell me:
>
>    How the heck do I get a 1600 on the SAT?
>
>    My college, future, and life reside on Your nimble reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answering all the questions correctly would be a good start.  But I can
} see you need practice with certain sections on the Verbal portion...
}
} * ANALOGIES
}
} ORACLE:BRILLIANT::DOCTOR:______
}
} A. MEDICAL
} B. KNOWLEDGABLE
} C. UPSTANDING
} D. PIZZA-RELATED
}
} In working out an analogy question, the best thing to do is to make a
} sentence involving the first two words, then try to fit the third word
} and all of the answer choices into the same sentence.  In this case,
} the sentence to use is "The ORACLE answers a lot of questions that are
} anything but BRILLIANT."  Now work with the second half; you'll soon
} see that the only thing that makes sense is "The DOCTOR answers a lot
} of questions that are anything but PIZZA-RELATED."  The correct answer
} is D.
}
} * COMMA PLACEMENT
}
} The Usenet Oracle (A) one of the world's most valuable resources (B)
} has certainly zotted quite a few stupid (C) idiotic supplicants (D) who
} persist in asking questions about certain marmots.
}
} In this case, you're being asked where a comma should go.  Obviously,
} there should be a dash at both (A) and (B); at (C), "stupid" is
} describing the compound noun "idiotic supplicants"; and at (D), putting
} a comma this late in the sentence would just slow everyone down and
} probably stick ideas in their heads about asking the Oracle about
} certain marmots.  The correct answer is E, the sentence is correct as
} written.
}
} * SENTENCE COMPLETION
}
} Many supplicants find the Usenet Oracle _______; however, there are a
} few who are _________.
}
} A. witty; zotted
} B. boring; amazed
} C. weird; weird
} D. with great difficulty; smart enough to figure it out
} E. fun; Joel Furr
}
} In this example, the presence of the word "however" indicates that the
} two words filling the blanks should be opposites.  No further
} explanation should be necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle two Number 2 pencils and a ten-minute break between
} sections.

775-02

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Glorious Oracle, Seer of the unseen, Knower of the Unknown, please
>  share your infinite wisdom with me.
>
>  I have been chosen to play a rock in our school play, but I am
>  struggling to find my motivation.  Should I be an angry rock?  A sad
>  and melancholy rock?  Please hurry.  The play is only two days away and
>  I need to practice.

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  You should look up to, as acting idols, the Metamorphic twins, Iggy and
}  Sedimenty.  You probably remember them from their pivotal role in "It's
}  the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," in which they were even referred to
}  by name ("I got a rock") by the title character.
}
}  Their other roles include the following:
}
}  -- PROPER SHRUB PLANTING TECHNIQUES (1962)  In their debut film, the
}  Metamorphics portray buried rocks, on top of which one should not plant
}  shrubbery.
}
}  -- SO YOU WANT TO BE A ROCK HOUND (1968)  Iggy plays an example of how
}  not to store your rocks; Sedimenty is a properly labeled specimen.
}
}  -- MOUNTAIN DRIVING PROBLEMS (1972)  This film, originally produced for
}  the Wyoming Department of Motor Vehicles, stars the twins as the
}  results of an avalanche on U.S. 20.
}
}  -- THE HISTORY OF ROCK 'N' ROLL (1975)  In a tongue-in-cheek sequence
}  in this documentary, Iggy and Sedimenty go rolling by the camera.
}
}  -- CAREERS IN GEOLOGY (1981)  Iggy and Sedimenty reprise their roles
}  from "So You Want to Be a Rock Hound."
}
}  -- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? VOLUME VI: THE PLAYGROUND (1984)  Iggy and
}  Sedimenty are thrown by a young boy during a playground argument,
}  causing a little girl's tooth to be knocked out.
}
}  -- WATERWORLD (1995)  Following semi-retirement, the Metamorphic
}  brothers came back and appeared in the climactic final scene in this
}  Kevin Costner vehicle.
}
}  You owe the Oracle some of the Halloween candy Charlie Brown didn't
}  get.

766-04

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  O Oracle, whose carnal knowledge is like a circle in a circle, like
>  a wheel within a wheel...
>
>  What happens when birds and bees mate?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  The chess game ends.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a new variation.

762-04

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle, I've just seen "The Net" with the delectable Sandra Bullock,
>  and now I have these strange nightmares that the government's after me!
>  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  Just take deep breaths and relax.  "The Net" was a work of fiction.
}  The U.S. Government is certainly not spying on you or anyone else.
}  Your activities, both on the net and otherwise, are your business and
}  your business alone.  You can be assured of this.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a date with Sandra Bullock.
}
}  --
}  CLINT L. HUNTER, Special Agent, Computer-Based Intelligence
}  Federal Bureau of Investigations, Washington, D.C.
}  <e-mail: [email protected]>

760-02

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>        Oh most wise and noble Oracle, whose cooking is more frugal than
>   even the Frugal Gourmet, I just learned of something interesting that
>   I must share with you!  There is a lady who went to Neiman Marcus and
>   wanted to buy a chocolate chip cookie recipe, and they charged her
>   $250 for it! Can you believe that?!? I am amazed! Anyway, I was
>   wondering if you had a copy of this recipe, that I might share it for
>   free with all the people who read all the newsgroups and mailing lists
>   that I do. Thanks in advance!
>
>   Sincerely,
>
>        A. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  Hmmmm?  Oh, the cookie recipe.  I'll be with you in a moment.  I've got
}  this albino alligator in here...he crawled up from out of the
}  sewer...and I've been bashing his head in with a stick.
}
}  There we go.  Ah, Neiman-Marcus.  I was in their store on Michigan
}  Avenue in Chicago the other day, and I was in the elevator with Reggie
}  Jackson and his German shepherd--who was gagging on a finger he had
}  bitten off a burglar--and also Burt Reynolds, who revealed to me his
}  calling card number that anyone in the country can use to make free
}  phone calls...but you didn't ask about that, you asked about the cookie
}  recipe.
}
}  I went through their Oriental rug department, avoiding the woman who
}  was having convulsions on the floor after being bitten by a poisonous
}  spider, and asked at the service desk for the recipe.  Here it is.
}
}                     THE FAMOUS NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIE RECIPE
}  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}  ($249.96. Visa, Mastercard, American Express, or Neiman-Marcus charge
}  accepted)
}  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}  1. Take one (1) package of Pillsbury brand chocolate-chip cookie dough.
}  2. Follow the directions on the package.
}  3. Think about Neiman-Marcus while eating.
}  ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
}  As you can see, $250 doesn't go as far these days as it used to.  On my
}  drive home I stopped at a bakery to get some fresh cookies.  Much
}  better.  I saw someone driving with their lights off in the opposite
}  lane, but I didn't try to signal them.  That's a good way to get shot
}  as part of a gang initiation.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a case of Pop Rocks and a rubbing of Jerry Mathers'
}  name from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

755-04

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Is it true that the outer layer of the earth is made up of mostly
>  eight elements?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  Yes, it's true.  Here are the elements and their concentrations:
}
}  1. McDonald's wrappers             (61.42%)
}  2. Lost socks                      (33.84%)
}  3. Old TV Guide issues             ( 1.05%)
}  4. ATM receipts                    ( 0.96%)
}  5. Atari 2600 "Combat" cartridges  ( 0.31%)
}  6. Coffee filters                  ( 0.27%)
}  7. Golf tees                       ( 0.25%)
}  8. Shopping carts                  ( 0.18%)
}     Everything else                 ( 1.72%)
}                            TOTAL   (100.00%)
}
}  You owe the Oracle a Filet-O-Fish Extra Value Meal.

Danger...inside joke752-03

Note: The dates in this answer are for 1995, in case you're wondering. The game show watching was on my personal schedule for the summer of 1995 as well (although I was in the Central time zone and the Oracle is in the Eastern time zone, so the times were different). 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Hey Orrie?  I'd like to get together with you for
>  lunch some time next week.  What's your schedule?
>  When would be good for you?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  Let's see here...
}
}  Monday, July 3--9:00-Weekly meeting with Steve Kinzler to review
}                       priests' performances.
}                  11:30-Zotting priests.
}                  12:30-Lunch with remaining priests.
}                  3:00-Answer questions.
}                  7:30-"Jeopardy!"
}                  8:00-Answer questions.
}  Tuesday, July 4--7:45-Breakfast with Thomas Jefferson.
}                   11:00-"The Price Is Right"
}                   12:00-Fourth of July cookout for supplicants who
}                         properly grovelled.
}                   3:30-Free concert with Lisa
}                   6:30-Dinner with Lisa
}                   9:15-Fireworks with Lisa
}                   11:30-More fireworks with Lisa (if you know what I
}                         mean)
}  Wednesday, July 5--1:00-Lunch with president of Indiana University
}                     3:30-Answer questions.
}                     7:00-"Wheel of Fortune"
}                     7:30-Answer questions.
}  Thursday, July 6--8:30-Answer questions.
}                    1:00-"Face the Music" (rerun)
}                    1:30-Answer questions.
}  Friday, July 7--8:30-Answer questions.
}                  3:00-"Press Your Luck" (rerun)
}                  3:30-Answer questions.
}
}  As you can see, I'll be pretty busy next week, especially Wednesday,
}  Thursday, and Friday, since I'm taking the 4th off.

751-08

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  What is in Spam and why are Marmot's so darned attracted to it?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  "Spam" is simply an acronym that describes the ingredients.
}
}  S: Soy sauce
}  P: Potatoes
}  A: Artichokes
}  M: Marmot
}
}  It's clear, therefore, that marmots are constantly searching for their
}  dead relatives in Spam.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a good lawyer to defend him in the slander suit
}  Hormel is about to file.

745-02

Note: I think I meant to write "Without Art Linkletter's picture on it, please." 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  How will I do in life?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  Terribly.  You'll take the vocational path, you'll land your little
}  plastic car on all the squares requiring you to pay money, and you'll
}  end up going broke when one of your opponents is first across the "toll
}  bridge."
}
}  You owe the Oracle $100,000.  With Art Linkletter's picture on it,
}  please.

742-06

Note: New Jersey is known for rural intersections that are like expressway intersections without a traffic light instead of an overpass. "Jughandle turns," they're called. So you have to make a right turn, and then a left turn, to make a left turn. 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  O wise Oracle, unscrambler of scrambles, unpuzzler of puzzles,
>  unconfuser of confusions, and corrector of supplicant's bad grammar
>  (when you see fit), please answer me this:
>
>  Two wrongs don't make a right, yet three rights make a left, three
>  lefts make a right, and four of either make a circle.  How many, for
>  example, lefts make a wrong?  Please 'unconfuse' this for me.

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  The story is told of the Catholic priest who was in the habit of
}  removing a couple of pieces of his jewelry before Mass.  One of the
}  acolytes noticed this one day and asked him about it.  "Two rings
}  don't make a rite," he said.
}
}  That said, it looks like what you need is the Canonical Table of Lefts,
}  Rights, and Wrongs.
}
} ========================================================================
}  ... MAKE A ...                       COMMENTS
}  ========================================================================
}  2 lefts make a U-Turn                Except where "NO U TURN" is posted.
}  1 right and 1 left make a left       Valid at rural New Jersey
}                                          intersections only
}  3 rights make a left
}  3 lefts make a right
}  4 wrongs make machine answer phone   2 when set to "toll saver"
}  4 rights make a square               Not 4 lefts; there is no such thing
}                                          as a "left angle"
}  10 rights make a Bill Of
}  2 rights make an early airplane
}  46 lefts and 54 rights make the
}     United States Senate
}  1 wrong makes an 800                 Under new SAT scoring system
}  15 right makes $30                   Weekly office football pool pays
}                                          bonus for picking all 15
}                                          winners; Oracle is ineligible,
}                                          darn it
}  12 wrongs make a ladder              Don't stand on either of top 2
}  ========================================================================
}
}  You owe the Oracle some better puns.  As you can see, the Oracle needs
}  them.

742-04

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oh great Oracle, whose biceps are so powerful they could make the Earth
>  run in reverse,
>  What are the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  1. "Exit 27A/4th-5th Sts./1 Mile"
}
}  2. "Rest Area/Next Right/Next Rest Area 47 Miles"
}
}  3. "Food-Gas-Lodging-Diesel/Next Right"
}
}  4. "Speed Limit 65/Trucks Trailers 60"
}
}  5. "Downtown/Convention Center/Next 2 Exits"
}
}  6. "McDonald's/Playland/Buses, RV's Welcome/Exit 30, 3 Miles"
}
}  7. "Holiday Inn/Pool/Cable/HBO/ESPN/11 Miles"
}
}  Arrrrrgh!  That's the wrong database!  I have the Interstate Highway
}  System loaded into my Seven Signs Of... program.  I really need to get
}  these disks labeled.  Let's see what this one is...
}
}  1. One finger: Fastball
}
}  2. Two fingers: Curve
}
}  That's wrong too...that's the Baseball database!  Listen, it's going to
}  take me a while to get this straightened out...would you mind asking
}  again tomorrow?
}
}  You owe the Oracle some disk labels.

737-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  Oh omnicient Oracle, master of the land, sky and sea,
>  why can't you tuna fish?

And in response, thus spake the Usenet Oracle:

}  Sorry, Charlie, but the premise of your question is wrong.  Ask any
}  mermaid you happen to see.
}
}  I can tuna fish.  In pure spring water, no less.

734-02

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>will simon ask me out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, unfortunately, Simon will just sit there silently at the back of
} your closet, his red, yellow, blue, and green lights dark since you put
} him there in 1983, his batteries leaking acid all over your Monopoly
} game (missing several houses, about $8,000, the Illinois Avenue title
} deed, and the metal shoe that you think the dog might have eaten but
} you can't be sure).
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride on the Reading.

727-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Which is truly better: Soloflex or NordicTrack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Soloflex is better, because it doesn't take up as much room in the
} closet, where it will end up after three weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty pushups.

727-09

Note: The World Almanac...your question-answering friend. 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       Oracle most wise, please tell me: what are the seven Wonders of
> the World?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't say whether you wanted the Seven Wonders of the Ancient
} World or the Seven Wonders of the Modern World, so here are both 
lists:
}
} THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD
}
} 1.  The Pyramids of Egypt--Even though there are a bunch, they all got
} grouped together as one.
} 2.  The Hanging Gardens of Babylon--These were built by King
} Nebuchadnezzar II so he'd have an excuse to get out of the house and
} away from the Queen on weekends.
} 3.  The Statue of Zeus at Olympia--This wasn't actually a statue, it's
} just that Zeus liked to sleep in most mornings.
} 4.  The Colossus of Rhodes--A giant statue of Helios, the sun god, it
} stood across the entrance to the Rhodes harbor.  It was knocked down by
} a boat with masts that were just a little too tall.
} 5.  The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus--To this day, you see chariots
} with bumper stickers from this tourist trap.
} 6.  The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus--The word "mausoleum" comes directly
} from this structure; the word means "building in which Mausolus's dead
} body was put because it was starting to stink up the palace."
} 7.  The Pharos of Alexandria--Ships' navigators always had trouble
} finding Alexandria because, looking at the map, they had no idea what a
} 'pharos' was.  Eventually, this structure was renamed "The Lighthouse
} of Alexandria."
}
} THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE MODERN WORLD
}
} 1.  The Leaning Tower of Pisa (Pisa, Italy)--The only reason this is a
} wonder of the world is because it hasn't fallen down yet.
} 2.  The Empire State Building (New York, New York)--This skyscraper is
} notable for having played a pivotal role in one of the best Bugs Bunny
} cartoons ever, "Baseball Bugs" (1946), which ends with Bugs climbing to
} the top of the zeppelin mooring mast to catch a baseball.
} 3.  The Chunnel (English Channel, U.K./France)--Notable for having the
} goofiest name of any Wonder since "Halicarnassus."
} 4.  Bureau of Engraving and Printing (Washington, DC)--The only wonder
} mainly noted for the people who work there.  Specifically, the tour
} guides who haven't yet strangled someone who asked "Hey, are there any
} free samples?"
} 5.  West Edmonton Mall (West Edmonton, Alberta)--"Why not put an
} amusement park inside a mall, eh?" asked someone, and this was the
} result.
} 6.  Principal Financial Group Building (Des Moines, Iowa)--Completed in
} 1990, this 44-story building is over 600 feet tall.  (The Des Moines
} Convention & Visitors' Association is a proud sponsor of the Wonders of
} the World Committee.)
} 7.  Indiana University (Bloomington, Indiana)--Home of the Oracle.
} Need I say more?
}
} You owe the Oracle a souvenir Temple of Artemis demitasse spoon.

726-05 (Made the "Best of the Oracularities")

Note: Making it into the Oracularities Digest is like hitting an opposite-field standup double. Making the Best of the Oracularities is like breaking up a no-hitter with a home run in the bottom of the ninth that wins the World Series.

Although the Oracle FAQ says it's OK to write "You owe the Oracle (incarnated as [email protected])...", I prefer to remain anonymous (at least until I put my answers on this web page), but I like to slip in little references to my life, such as the "Pinellas County" reference in this one. 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, so dogmatic, pragmatic, phlegmatic, and enigmatic,
>
> If you were in a car traveling at the speed of light,
> would you signal before changing lanes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem with trying to drive at the speed of light is that you
} always end up behind some 80-year-old woman going only 0.96c while
} trying to see over the steering wheel of her Chrysler New Yorker with
} license plates from Pinellas County, Florida...in the fast lane, no
} less.  And you can try and flash your lights all you want, but at those
} kind of speeds, the spectrum gets blue-shifted.  This means she thinks
} it's a cop...which would be great if she'd pull over, but she just
} slows down EVEN MORE.
}
} And I don't think I even have to mention what this elderly woman is
} doing with her turn signals...yep, using one of them.  Continually.
}
} None of this is all that relevant to your question, the answer to which
} is...of course.  I always signal before changing lanes.  The important
} thing to remember is that you have to use your turn signal, because if
} you stick your arm out the window at those kind of speeds, it'll get
} ripped off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a refill of blinker-light fluid.

725-06

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great oracle most wise and all knowing, who is surely good friends
> with both the easter bunny and santa claus, I feel disappointed.
>
> Why didn't the Easter Bunny give me a liquid nitrogen cooled cray III
> for Easter?  All it gave me was some candy and eggs :-(  And, santa
> didn't bring me one either!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It so happens the Easter Bunny is sitting right here next to me,
} soaking his aching feet in Epsom salts while crunching on a piece of
} matzoh, so I'll let him dictate to me.  (It's hard to type with paws.)
}
} --
} Yeah, I remember you, 'cause you're the guy who wrote me asking for a
} freakin' LIQUID NITROGEN-COOLED CRAY III!  First of all, you're
} TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD!  Why in the heck are you still BELIEVING in me,
} much less WRITING to me?
}
} Look, you have NO IDEA how much trouble Kraft General Foods gave me
} this year with that $%*&#$*& Jell-O ad campaign urging that JELL-O
} "JIGGLERS" REPLACE EGGS.  Can you believe it?  I had to RENT FIFTEEN
} EXTRA REFRIGERATORS for the week before Easter in order to HARDEN ALL
} THAT JELL-O.  Bill Cosby can BITE MY FLUFFY WHITE TAIL!  [I didn't want
} to put that last sentence in, but the Easter Bunny wants me to quote
} him accurately.  Oh, well.-TUO]
}
} In addition to my going WAY OVER BUDGET because of the freakin'
} FRIGIDAIRES, there's a whole bunch of other problems with Jell-O.
} First of all, they showed it in the commercials already in Easter
} baskets.  Well, I hate to tell the giant food conglomerates they're
} wrong, but THEY'RE WRONG IF THEY THINK THAT'S HOW EASTER WORKS.  >>I<<
} hide the candy and the eggs all over the house, the kids run around for
} twelve minutes finding all of it except a couple black jellybeans which
} won't get found until July, and THE KIDS put the stuff in the baskets
} THEMSELVES.  In most houses these days, I can't FIND anyplace to put
} the Jell-O where it WON'T STAIN SOMETHING!  And then, once the kids get
} the Jell-O into their baskets, IT STICKS TO THE ARTIFICIAL GRASS!
}
} On top of all this...ON TOP OF ALL THIS...people are starting to WRITE
} ME AND ASK FOR GIFTS.  Christmas was FOUR MONTHS AGO.  I don't have a
} staff of eight hundred ELVES MAKING STUFF like SOMEONE I COULD NAME.
} But, no, I have to FIGHT THE CROWDS AT TOYS 'R' US...and thank God they
} had all those discount coupons in the Sunday paper two weeks ago...and
} BUY ALL THE TOYS MYSELF.  BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!  I have to CARRY the
} things ALL OVER THE PLACE, and HIDE THEM.
}
} So, yeah, I usually follow some simple rules when it comes to giving
} people stuff:  If you're over 15, YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING.  (Yeah,
} I know I gave you some eggs and jellybeans and Marshmallow Peeps, but
} you got on the wrong list.)  If I can't get it at Toys 'R' Us, YOU'RE
} NOT GETTING IT.  If it costs over $29.95, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT.
}
} And that's why you DIDN'T GET a freakin' SUPERCOMPUTER for EASTER.
} DON'T WRITE TO ME AGAIN.  And don't bother writing to the other
} guy--he's on to you, too.
}
} Maybe if she really loves you, your WIFE will get you one for YOUR
} BIRTHDAY.  I gotta go.
} --
}
} This is the Oracle again...apparently someone had to pay a bit more to
} the IRS than he was expecting.  I told him to file sooner, so he'd be
} done in plenty of time to get ready for Easter, but he didn't listen,
} as usual.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cadbury Creme Egg.

722-10 (My first appearance in the Oracularities Digest)

Note: After I first discovered the Usenet Oracle (as it was known in those days), it was a couple of months until I made it into the Digest. 

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What the hell is Food Acid and why do we need it in food products?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoa, whoa, calm down there, buckaroo.  First, let's see a little
} groveling.
}
} [The supplicant's mouth starts moving.  A high-pitched voice appears to
} emanate from within, but the lips don't quite match.]  "O Almighty and
} All-Knowing Oracle, I offer my deep, deep apologies for using 'hell'
} unnecessarily in my question.  It was a mistake that I can only
} attribute to years of movies and television, but the media can only
} take part of the blame.  I should be more careful about what I blurt
} out.  I am sorry."
}
} [It was funnier back when Edgar Bergen did it.]
}
} Now, then, where was I?  Ah, yes.
}
} "My great-great grandfather was killed in a parachute accident 100
} years ago."
}
} They didn't have parachutes 100 years ago.
}
} "I know.  That's how he got killed."
}
} [I just can't turn down an opportunity for comedy, 'cause, quite
} frankly, there isn't much of it in the real answer to the question.]
}
} Food Acid was only recently approved for use in the United States,
} which makes me a little surprised that you're seeing it in food
} already.  You must live in one of the test markets.
}
} Food Acid is a product of DuPont, makers of better things for better
} living.  It's a method of ensuring that you don't eat bad food.  Here's
} an example of how it works.  Say there's Food Acid in a box of Frosted
} Flakes. When you first open the box, you have 100% of the cereal.  But
} upon contact with air, Food Acid goes to work.  A week later, you've
} eaten half of the original net weight of the box.  You should have 50%
} of the original amount of cereal, but Food Acid has been hard at work,
} so you now only have about 46%.
}
} But then Cracklin' Oat Bran goes on sale.  Since you enjoy its oatmeal
} cookie taste, you buy a couple of boxes and eat that for a while.  A
} couple of days, you eat some of the Frosted Flakes for variety, but
} it's mostly those big brown O's.
}
} Eventually, you run out of Cracklin' Oat Bran, but you still have the
} box of Frosted Flakes.  Or do you?  It's been three and a half weeks,
} and you should have 20% of the original amount of cereal...now stale,
} though. Instead, you have a few crumbs at the bottom of the box...and
} that's it. You've been prevented from eating stale cereal, and your
} taste buds and tummy have the magic of Food Acid to thank.
}
} Food Acid works similarly in all products.  Coming soon, fruit injected
} with Food Acid...Diet Pepsi with Food Acid instead of freshness
} dating...and new Clothes Acid to keep you from wearing out-of-style
} clothes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vat of the forthcoming Usenet Acid, which goes to
} work immediately upon contact with Spam.
}
} Say goodnight, supplicant.
}
} "Goodnight, supplicant."



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Page Last Updated: May 1, 2004