Oracularities from Digests 1200-1299
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: How do you know if someone is lying you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you put the wrong verb tense in your question, but I know what } you mean. } } It's nothing, it's total blackness, but then you start to feel motion. } Side to side at first, starting small and getting bigger, and your } stomach churns and your head spins and your heart races, and all of a } sudden, the bottom drops out, and you FALL... } } ...for just a brief moment until there's a big THUD, and you realize } the temperature has dropped a little bit, and then you can hear sound } for the first time, and it would be deafening if you weren't inside a } protective shell, and it's... } } CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK! } } ...and that's how you know if someone is laying you. } } You owe the hungry Oracle a cheddar cheese omelet.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Oracle most wise, I have this application to be on MTV's Real World. By glancing over the questions, it looks like they are searching for certain answers to the questions. What answers should I give? __________________________________________________________________ MTV's Real World Castmember Application Please fill out this application and return to MTV Networks, New York, New York. Name_________________________________ Age__________ Social Security Number__________________ Address____________________________City________________State__________ Sex_______ Number of times you've had sex________ 1.) What is your sexual orientation? (A) Homosexual (B) Bisexual (C) Heterosexual (D) Still trying to discover myself 2.) How many times a day do you cry? (A) 1 to 5 (B) 6 to 10 (C) I don't (D) I lose count 3.) How many dates did you have the past weekend? (A) 1 to 5 (B) 6 to 10 (C) I don't date (D) I was too drunk to remember 4.) Are you willing to make sure our cameras are rolling before picking fights with your roomates? (A) Yes (B) No (C) I don't fight (D) I'll fight anytime the producers ask me to 5.) What is your favorite movie? (A) Star Trek (B) The Crying Game (C) Casablanca (D) Heathers 6.) Are you willing to use only the products of official sponsors? (A) Yes (B) No (C) You mean MTV has sponsors? (D) I'd tell the world how good your sponsor's products are 7.) What was your favorite past Real World cast? (A) New Orleans (B) Miami (C) London (D) Hawaii 8.) Who is your favorite musician? (A) P.O.D (B) Pearl Jam (C) Beethoven (D) Linkin Park 9A.) Describe your appearance (guys) (A) Average (B) Could use a better hairstyle (C) Overweight with lots of zits (D) Big abs 9B) Describe your appearance (girls) (A) Average (B) Average, but others think I'm hot (C) Overweight (D) Big hooters 10.) If selected, will you be willing to have your privacy constantly violated, your family find out your darkest secrets, your mother see you smootch up to someone you met in a club, and be humiliated constantly on national TV, all for $15,000 and five seconds of fame? (A) Yes (B) Maybe (C) No (D) I'll do it for free! Signature__________________________Date____________ Please enclose a recent photo, your medical records from the past three years and list two referrences. Mug shots do not count as a photo. You may only use one parole officer, probation officer, court psychiatrist, warden, etc. as a referrence. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It doesn't really matter which answers you give on that application, } since they're just going to pick 200 people at random to interview and } then pick the most annoying 10. But what's really interesting is the } similarities between the "Real World" and "Jeopardy!" applications: } } "Jeopardy!" Contestant Application } Please fill out in black ink and return to "Jeopardy!", c/o Sony } Studios, Culver City, California. ("Jeopardy!" reserves the right to } forward rejected applications to "Wheel of Fortune.") } } Name ___________________ } Age _______ IQ ________ High school GPA _______ College GPA ______ } Address ___________________ City ______________ State/Province ______ } E-mail address [email protected]____.edu } } 1.) Highest level of education achieved } (A) Master's degree (B) Doctorate (C) Two doctorates (D) Doctorate in } every subject } } 2.) Profession } (A) Professor (B) Teacher (C) Instructor (D) Lawyer } } 3.) Favorite author } (A) Aeschylus in the original Greek (B) Vergil in the original Latin } (C) Voltaire in the original French (D) Basho in the original Japanese } } 4.) Favorite current author } (A) Early period Stephen Hawking (B) Middle period Stephen Hawking } (C) Late period Stephen Hawking (D) All of the above } } 5.) Favorite composer } (A) J.S. Bach (B) J.G. Bach (C) J.M. Bach (D) J.P. Bach } } 6.) Amount of time it took you to spot the fictional Bach(s) in the } above question } (A) 1-10 seconds (B) Less than 1 second } (C) Less than 1 microsecond (D) Less than 1 picosecond } } 7.) I have been using computers since... } (A) They hooked up to a TV (B) They only came in kit form } (C) They used punch cards (D) Charles Babbage invented them } } 8.) I have been watching "Jeopardy!" since... } (A) Alex Trebek began hosting (B) Art Fleming began hosting } (C) The original run-through in Merv Griffin's office } (D) I was sitting next to Merv Griffin when he came up with the concept } } 9.) (Males only) Facial hair style } (A) Goatee (B) Van Dyke (C) Full beard (D) Handlebar mustache } } 10.) If selected, will you laugh at all of Alex Trebek's "jokes" during } the interview portion of the program? } (A) Yes (B) Absolutely (C) Especially if they're at my expense } (D) Especially if he mentions Canada } } Signature_______________________ Date__________ } Please enclose photocopies of all diplomas, SAT and ACT results, and } opening move for "Jeopardy!" Contestant Chess-by-Mail Game #1, along } with two references. You may only use one local Mensa chapter officer } as a reference.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Do you endeavor with a difficult dilemma, or ponder a posed problem you cannot perspicaciously pursue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, answering anything. Big, bloated brains. Can't challenge } cerebellum. Don't do dat. } } Everyone expects edification for free, for goodness gracious. Get } hideously heinous "helps," insipid, in inbox. Just jarring jive. } Kicks, kegs keep life laughably livable. } } My method: make neat, nattering nonsense, okay? Only one providing } pleasure, perhaps, quickly questioning queries. Read replies, retch. } Some start strong, then tank terribly. Ugly until understood, very } vigorously vapid, with weird words: xebec, xanthine, xerophyte. Yes, } you're yawning. Zzz...zzz...zzz. } } You owe the Oracle a promise to conduct all future correspondence using } the 12-letter Hawaiian alphabet, which would have made writing this } answer a whole lot easier.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Hey Orrie! Watch me pull a question out of my ass! Why don't young people play shuffleboard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That question really should end with the word "yet," because, from the } creative geniuses who brought you EXTREME BOWLING and THAT VIDEO GAME } WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSEDLY DANCING BUT ARE REALLY JUST PAYING $1.50 TO } JUMP ON THE FLOOR FOR THREE MINUTES, it's... } } EXTREME SHUFFLEBOARD, to be introduced to today's discriminating 12-24 } TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC in a new half-hour series premiering in April on MTV } and brought to you by MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED, STRIDEX MEDICATED PADS, } and NEW GERITOL TEEN PLUS ("It's never too early to get to know } Geritol")! } } Featuring the following EXTREME elements: } } * All players must have at least four piercings, and ears don't count! } } * Players must be atop wheels, whether skateboard, Rollerblades, or } motorbike, while pushing the discs with their TITANIUM STICKS! } } * Some of the discs will be lit on fire! And the rest will be in neon } colors! } } * Hydraulic lifts under the court will raise one side or the other at } random intervals! } } * Scores have been multiplied by TEN! } } * Heavy metal music will be playing THE ENTIRE TIME! There will also } be a fog machine, or perhaps TWO! } } * The Backstreet Boys' original keyboard player is already penciled in } to appear as the SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE in the debut episode! } } Orders for EXTREME SHUFFLEBOARD equipment are already being taken! } Contact your local Shuff-L-Sport representative to fully equip YOUR } shuffleboard court, arena, or rink today, BEFORE the young people } descend upon you... } } St. Petersburg area: Horace Q. Montmorency } Boca Raton, Deerfield Beach: Albert Squelter Sr. } Phoenix, other Arizona cities: Monroe K. Warlington } } (Note: E-mail contact and Web ordering are unavailable until } Shuff-L-Sport personnel feel fully comfortable with this newfangled } Internet contraption.) } } And don't feel left out, Canada: CURLING MAXX is on its way!
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Oh mighty hypothetical one, What if What was on first and Who was on second? How would the world be different if this was the case? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } POSITION SHIFT DOESN'T HELP WHITE HENS } Mariners Cruise to Easy Victory } Despite Infield Switch } } by FRED FAKENAME } News Staff Writer } } PODUNK--"I finally got tired of all the 'Who's on first?' jokes," } said manager Bud Abbott following yesterday's game, explaining why he } had switched Who to second base and brought What over to first base. } The change in the defensive alignment didn't help, as Seattle rode } seven home runs by six players and strong pitching from Aaron Sele } and Kazuhiro Sasaki to a 18-0 victory over the White Hens. Seattle } is now 56 games ahead of Podunk in the American League West standings } and is expected to clinch the American League pennant in early } August, making the playoffs unnecessary. } "I played second base in college sometimes," remarked Who, who } made several strong defensive plays but struck out four times. } "Trust me, the problem was not that What and I traded places." } It was the White Hens' thirty-seventh defeat in the last } thirty-eight games. "I still think there's some good things to } come," said Abbott. "I really don't think you've seen the best of } this ballclub. You have to be encouraged about a lot of things that } you accomplished to this point, and also what lies ahead in the } second half of the season." } Most of the fans in attendance were cheering for the Mariners, the } club with the best record in the history of professional sports, and } loudly booing Abbott and assistant manager Lou Costello. } "I'm not yelling 'Lou,' I'm booing," said season ticket holder } Chuck Fictional, one of the few in the stands wearing a White Hens } T-shirt. "I mean, he hasn't even figured out the names of the } players this far into the season! He keeps yelling things like, } 'Throw the ball to Naturally!' and Bud has to correct him, 'No, you } don't, you throw the ball to Who!'" } Later, Fictional bought an Ichiro Suzuki jersey and put it on over } his White Hens shirt after the Mariners rookie hit his second home } run of the game off relief pitcher Last Tuesday. Carlos Guillen, } Bret Boone, Mike Cameron, John Olerud, and designated hitter Edgar } Martinez also had home runs. } The only White Hens with hits were Because, I Don't Give a Darn, } and I Don't Know, all shallow singles. } "They're just hot right now," said I Don't Know, referring to the } Mariners. "Everything they do is good." } } MARINERS 18, WHITE HENS 0 } } Seattle AB R H BI BB SO Avg. } Suzuki rf 5 3 3 5 1 0 .349 } CGuillen ss 6 2 3 3 0 0 .248 } BBoone 2b 5 3 3 1 0 0 .324 } EMartinez dh 4 2 2 1 1 0 .305 } Olerud 1b 4 2 2 2 1 0 .319 } Cameron cf 5 2 3 1 0 0 .280 } McLemore lf 4 1 3 2 0 0 .291 } DaBell 3b 4 1 2 2 1 0 .263 } DWilson c 5 2 3 1 0 0 .279 } Totals 42 18 24 18 4 0 } } Podunk AB R H BI BB SO Avg. } Because cf 3 0 1 0 0 2 .199 } What 1b 4 0 0 0 0 2 .186 } Huh dh 4 0 0 0 0 1 .202 } IDon'tGiveaDarn ss 3 0 1 0 1 1 .197 } IDon'tKnow 3b 4 0 1 0 0 0 .201 } Why lf 4 0 0 0 0 1 .169 } Who 2b 3 0 0 0 1 1 .174 } Today c 3 0 0 0 0 2 .165 } Anonymous lf 3 0 0 0 0 1 .154 } Totals 31 0 3 0 2 11 } } Seattle 321 211 341 - 18 24 0 } Podunk 000 000 000 - 0 3 1 } } Seattle IP H R ER BB SO NP ERA } Sele W, 11-1 8 3 0 0 2 9 89 3.40 } Sasaki 1 0 0 0 0 2 8 2.99 } } Podunk IP H R ER BB SO NP ERA } Tomorrow L, 0-14 5 12 10 10 2 0 109 10.26 } Yesterday 2.1 6 5 5 1 0 33 12.65 } Next Tuesday 1.2 6 3 3 1 0 36 14.49 } } Tomorrow pitched to one batter in the sixth. } } U - Home, Benny, Rochester, Livingstone, Wilson. T - 3:14. } Tickets sold - 9,106 } } ------------------------------------------------------------ } ADVERTISEMENT } } Podunk vs. New York Yankees, tonight, 7:05 P.M. } } All fans in attendance receive a grocery bag } with eye holes already cut out } courtesy of Stop 'n' Shop 'n' Save 'n' Go, downtown! } } For tickets, call POdunk 5-HITS } ...or visit the ticket office } at Podunk Municipal Memorial Stadium } ...or search through garbage cans } of season ticket holders } ------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a Cubs-Mariners World Series.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Early to bed and early to rise, > Contributes much to an early demise! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you appear to have stumbled upon something very rare; a portion } of the original draft of "Poor Richard's Almanack." It was rejected } because...well, I might as well quote the publisher's rejection } letter. } } SENT VIA Eight-Week Priority Mail } } MESSRS. Smithfield and Fieldfmith } Publifhers Appointed By His Majefty } The King To Publifh Official } Documents, Notices, Pamphlets, } Works of Great Literature, &c. } Located Near the New North Church } Bofton, Maffachuffets } } October the Third, } The Year of Our Lord 1756 } } MR. Benjamin Franklin } 7 Market Street } Philadelphia, Pennfylvania } } Our Dear Mr. Franklin, } } Thank you for fubmitting your Manufcript "Poor Richard's Almanack" to } us. We regret to inform you that it does not meet our Needs at the } Prefent Time. } } While we do believe that fuch an Almanack, giving Information on the } Atlantic Ocean Tides, Phafes of the Moon and other Heavenly Bodies, } as well as Weather Forecafts for the several Colonies, would be met } with much Intereft and General Acclaim among the Publick at Large, we } do not believe that the Publick would be receptive to many of the } Aphorifms, Sayings, and Wife Counfel of Poor Richard that you have } included in your Almanack. They offer Bad Advice, and make the Blood } and the other Humours nervous. Pleafe allow us to quote the worft } Offenders: } } "Never leave that till to-morrow what you can do to-day, unleff you } juft don't feel like it." } } "Dost Thou hate Life? Then feel free to squander Time, for that is } what Life is made of." } } "The early Bird gets the Worm; the late Bird gets the fat and juicy } Beetle that did not emerge from under a rock until the Sun heated the } ground; both Birds will choke on their Meals and die." } } "For want of a Nail, the Shoe was loft; for want of a Shoe, the Horfe } was loft; for want of a Horfe, the Rider was loft; for want of a } Rider, the Battle was loft; for want of a Battle, the Earth was } deftroyed by a Weapon that will be invented in the Future, whose } Terrible Power and Deftruction we cannot comprehend." } } Once again, we offer our most fincere Thanks for fubmitting your } manufcript to us. However, we have juft announced the Publication of } our own Almanack for the coming year 1757, to be given the Title "Sir } or Madam, Would You Kindly Open This Almanack to Difcover and Be } Aftounded by All Sorts of Information, Please?" Therefore, a } refubmittal of your manufcript, with certain Corrections to make the } Tone more Light and lefs depreffing, fhall not be welcomed. May we } fuggeft that you publifh fuch a Volume by yourfelf? } } We remain Moft Sincerely Yours, } JOS. A. SMITHFIELD and } GEO. J. FIELDSMITH, Publishers
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > +----------------------------------------------------+ > | Jo Supplicant 7734 | > | 123 Marmot Lane | > | Anytown, Ind. date _Apr_13_01_ | > | | > | Pay to | > | order of _The_Internet_Oracle____ $ _7000.00_ | > | | > | _seventhousand_and_zero_cents_______dollars | > | _ | > | Bank of Foobar / ( /'_ _ _/ | > | 1984 Orwell Rd. (_/() __)(//)/)(/( (//)/ | > | Minitruth, Ind / / | > +----------------------------------------------------+ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +------------------------+ } |ENDORSE HERE | } |X______________________ | } | Offshore Tax Shelter | } | Corporation d/b/a | } | The Internet Oracle | } | | } |DO NOT WRITE, STAMP | } |OR SIGN BELOW THIS LINE | } |RESERVED FOR BANK USE | } +------------------------+ } | | } | 3RD NATIONAL BANK | } | OF DOMINICAN REPUBLIC | } | 3E BANCO NATIONAL | } | DE REPUBLICA DOMINICA | } | 16 AVR/APR 16 2001 | } | | } | | } | Bloomington Farmers | } | & Merchants Trust | } | "Your Friendly Bank" | } | Since 1916 | } | | } +------------------------+ } | DO NOT CASH UNLESS | } | SECURITY FEATURES | } | ARE PRESENT | } | (features are secret | } | for security reasons) | } +------------------------+
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Page Last Updated: October 6, 2002