Chilly the Cheetah vs. Michigan J. Frog

Transcript of improvised bit which aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! January 17, 1995

                     CAST  (In Order of Appearance)
Wakko Warner.....................................................Hugh Jasper
Chilly the Cheetah.............................................Mr. Announcer
Yakko Warner.....................................................Siggy Llama
Dot Warner.......................................................Hugh Jasper
Marlon Wayans....................................................Hugh Jasper
Shawn Wayans.....................................................Siggy Llama
Pete Townshend...................................................Siggy Llama
Sitcom Son.......................................................Hugh Jasper
Divorced Father..................................................Siggy Llama
Contentious Ex-Wife..............................................Hugh Jasper
Rocky............................................................Hugh Jasper
Chuck............................................................Siggy Llama
Franklin Delano Roosevelt #1.....................................Siggy Llama
Franklin Delano Roosevelt #2.....................................Hugh Jasper
Michigan J. Frog.................................................Hugh Jasper
Man..............................................................Hugh Jasper
Tony the Tiger...................................................Hugh Jasper
Stimpy...........................................................Hugh Jasper
Announcer........................................................Siggy Llama
Man #2...........................................................Siggy Llama
Surprised Cat....................................................Siggy Llama
Meow Mix Cats.......................................Siggy Llama, Hugh Jasper

WAKKO
Come in.

CHILLY
Hello, my name is Chilly the Cheetah, and I'm here to see Jamie Kellner, the president of the Warner Brothers television network.

YAKKO
Jamie Kellner's not here. You'll have to talk to us -- the Warner brothers.

DOT
And the Warner sister.

WAKKO
I'm hungry.

CHILLY
Well, then...

DOT
I'm cute.

CHILLY
I suppose you realize that the Warner Brothers television network debuted last Wednesday, and they chose as their spokesman Michigan J. Frog, and I am outraged!

YAKKO
Uh, I'm outrageous.

WAKKO
I'm still hungry.

CHILLY
I could do a much better job than him at network promos. Just listen to this. Kicking off the night at 8:00, it's "The Wayans Brothers," starring Shawn and Marlon Wayans from "In Living Color."

MARLON WAYANS
Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!

SHAWN WAYANS
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're here at -- we're selling items out of the back of a truck, and, um, yeah.

MARLON WAYANS
Yeah, where you get more money, mo' money, mo' money.

SHAWN WAYANS
That deserves a triple triangle snap.

SOUND FX: Snapping

CHILLY
And then at 8:30, it's "The Parent 'Hood," starring Robert Townsend as a college professor struggling with the problems of parenthood in the 1990s.

PETE TOWNSHEND
What'd you say?

SITCOM SON
I said I'm quitting school.

PETE TOWNSHEND
I can't hear you. My ears are a little deaf. But I can play the guitar, though.

SITCOM SON
Oh, shut up. I'm going to go perform your songs now.

CHILLY
See? See? Isn't that good already? Then at 9:00 P.M., it's "Unhappily Ever After," from "Married...With Children" co-creator Ron Leavitt. It features a divorced father trying to live on $8,000 a year and deal with a contentious ex-wife.

DIVORCED FATHER
Now listen here, contentious ex-wife. It's really hard to live on $8,000 a year, so I don't need you spending any more money.

CONTENTIOUS EX-WIFE
Shut up.

CHILLY
And its 9:30 P.M. leadout, "Muscle," is a serialized comedy from Witt/Thomas Productions, set in an Upper East Side fitness club, and described as "in the spirit of the offbeat 'Soap.'"

ROCKY
Yo, Adrian, I never told this to anybody before, but I'm gay.

CHUCK
Do you have any exercises for my dummy? My ventriloquist dummy?

ROCKY
Uh, Adrian, I need a body rub.

CHILLY
Yes, all those shows and more on the Warner Brothers Network, Wednesday nights on a station near you, and if it's not on a station near you, check it out on WGN on your cable dial. See? How's that? That's much better than Michigan J. Frog would do.

YAKKO
Well, I don't know. I mean, what, you're a cheetah, right? But I've never seen you run anywhere. Like, that's what cheetahs do, right?

WAKKO
You don't even have any yummy cheese snacks like that other cheetah.

CHILLY
No, you missed my 1944 cartoon, "Chilly the Cheetah Runs for President." I faced off against FDR and won.

WAKKO
Do you have a clip?

CHILLY
Why, yes, I do.

ROOSEVELT #1
We have nothing to fear, but...

CHILLY
Cheetahs! Yes, I'm Chilly the Cheetah, and you shouldn't fear me, because I'm the most wonderful cheetah.

ROOSEVELT #2
Eleanor, there's a cat on the platform! Eleanor! Eleanor!

CHILLY
I pledge to --

ROOSEVELT #2
I can't move, Eleanor!

CHILLY
I pledge to lower taxes. Yes, your taxes will be lowered under the Cheetah administration.

ROOSEVELT #2
This platform will be a day that lives in hilarity.

CHILLY
Well, anyway, that was one of my best cartoons. It was even better than that other cartoon I did that same year, "Chilly the Cheetah Goes to War." But that's another story. So, anyway, what do you think? Don't you think I should replace Michigan J. Frog?

YAKKO
Well, I don't know. Why don't we bring him in here, and you two can square off?

MICHIGAN J. FROG
(Singing) Ta-dah!
Everybody do the Michigan rag! Come on!
Everybody do the Michigan rag
Sue and Bill and Ted and Janet
And Laurie and Mary and Susie and Bill and --

YAKKO
And Wakko.

WAKKO
And Yakko.

DOT
And Dot.

MICHIGAN J. FROG
(Singing) Everybody's talking 'bout the Michigan
Whomp, slop, stomp the Michigan
Romp, tomp, stomp the Michigan Rag
That golden rag

CHILLY
Now, how is that a good promo for the WB Television Network? There's no show on called "The Michigan Rag"!

YAKKO
It doesn't matter. It drums up business. It gets people interested. It's a singing frog. We'll put that on television. Everybody will be watching.

WAKKO
I'm hungry for frogs' legs.

YAKKO
Not now.

CHILLY
But I don't understand. How does that get people to watch TV? They want to know what's on. They want to know about "The Wayans Brothers" and all those great Warner Brothers shows.

YAKKO
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Cheetah, but we have a spot to film right now with Michigan J. Frog, and so you're welcome to come if you want, but just don't make any noise, okay?

CHILLY
What? No! I can do it -- I can do it better. Coming in September to the Warner Brothers Network, it's "The Animaniacs," Saturday mornings.

YAKKO
Uh, we're looking for Thursday prime-time. Thanks a lot, though.

CHILLY
No, it's much better than on their old network -- you know, that other network that we don't want to talk about. They're coming in September to the Warner Brothers Network.

YAKKO
Okay, we gotta go shoot that promo now. Okay, we got the lights set up? All right, you got your script, Michigan?

MICHIGAN J. FROG
Yes, I do.

YAKKO
All right, lights, camera, action. (Pause) Come on, sing!

MICHIGAN J. FROG
(Croaks)

YAKKO
What's going on? Come on, sing! Um, uh, free beer! Come on, sing!

SOUND FX: Running footsteps

MAN
Someone say "free beer"?

YAKKO
Well, we filled up the house, but he's still not singing. Um, um, get that cheetah in front of the camera. Hurry up.

CHILLY
Yes? You want me to do the promo? Come crawling back to me?

YAKKO
Um, yeah, just hold up the frog where everyone can see it.

MICHIGAN J. FROG
(Croaks)

YAKKO
Oh, wait, now we got the cheetah who can't even talk. He couldn't even sing before, but now he can't even talk about it.

CHILLY
You didn't say you wanted me to sing! You just said you wanted me to hold up the frog!

YAKKO
Okay, it works like this. We call this a countdown in the biz. It goes 5, 4, 3, mmph, mmph. Those are my fingers. They make a little noise.

CHILLY
Yes, I know how this works. I've been doing Warner Brothers cartoons for over 50 years.

YAKKO
And action!

CHILLY
Hi, I'm Chilly the Cheetah, urging you to watch the Warner Brothers Network, Wednesday nights on your local station, so check it out. It'll be great. (Pause) Well, how's that?

TONY THE TIGER
Wait a minute. You can't say "that's grrrreat." That's my trademark.

YAKKO
Uh-oh. I sense a cat fight.

SOUND FX: Meowing and hissing

CHILLY
Hey, hey, quit it. I don't have any problems with you.

TONY THE TIGER
You killed my brother. You killed the Exxon tiger. That wasn't grrrreat!

SOUND FX: Meowing and hissing

YAKKO
Does anyone have a bucket of cold water?

SOUND FX: Splash

CHILLY
I'm all wet!

YAKKO
You're making a mess. You have kitty litter all over the place.

STIMPY
If I were you, I'd use Gritty Kitty kitty litter. It stays crunchy, even in milk.

ANNOUNCER
Do you have any cat odor problems?

MAN #2
No.

SURPRISED CAT
Wha...?!

WAKKO
There's too many cats in the studio.

CHILLY
I agree. There should only be one cat -- the new mascot of the Warner Brothers Television Network, me, Chilly the Cheetah.

YAKKO
All right, all you cats with morph mouths, you have to get out. We only want real talking cats here.

MEOW MIX CATS
(Singing) Meow, meow, meow, meow...

CHILLY
What's this? Now there's even more cats in here.

YAKKO
All right, if this was Monty Python, we could just go to a live-action sequence, I guess, and bridge the gap, but we have to end this sketch now. We're out of budget.