The Rampage of Tom Skilling

Transcript of improvised bit which aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! August 12, 1995

Transcriber's Note: This is, by far, the funniest thing to come out of the show during the long, hot summer of 1995. Hugh, Siggy, and I were sharing an apartment a twenty-minute walk from the studio (in contrast to our regular living quarters, a two-minute walk from the studio). We would sleep for a couple of hours, get up, walk to the studio, do the show from 3:30 to 5:30, walk home, and sleep for a few hours more. The new WNUR studios still didn't have all the bugs worked out; for example, the main announcer's microphone would be live even when it was turned off. (See later in this sketch.) This kind of environment, as Hugh would say, didn't make for good radio. It led to Hugh and Siggy deciding to end the show (although it returned from the dead for our last quarter at Northwestern).

                       CAST  (In Order of Appearance)
Hugh Jasper, a Co-Host...............................................Himself
Siggy Llama, another Co-Host.........................................Himself
Mr. Announcer, an Announcer..........................................Himself
Tom Skilling, a Weatherman.......................................Siggy Llama
Steve Sanders, a Local Anchorman.................................Hugh Jasper
Floyd Kalber, another Local Anchorman............................Hugh Jasper
John Coleman, another Local Anchorman............................Siggy Llama
Train Station Announcer, another Announcer.......................Siggy Llama
Announcer, another Announcer.....................................Hugh Jasper
Mr. Food (first appearance)......................................Siggy Llama
Mr. Food, a Syndicated Television Chef...........................Hugh Jasper
Rochester, a Manservant..........................................Siggy Llama
Jack Benny, a Comedian...........................................Hugh Jasper
Train Announcer, another Announcer.............................Mr. Announcer
Cliff Clavin, a Bar Patron.......................................Hugh Jasper
Norm Peterson, another Bar Patron................................Siggy Llama
Baseball Announcer, another Announcer............................Hugh Jasper
Pilot, a Pilot...................................................Hugh Jasper

SIGGY LLAMA
...care of Tom Skilling, WGN Studios...

HUGH JASPER
5450 North Bradley Place...

MR. ANNOUNCER
2501 West Bradley Place!

HUGH JASPER
Yeah, whatever. Chicago, Illinois, 60606060606060601. And make sure you write it down.

TOM SKILLING
Well, I'm very happy to answer your question, little Joey. You can tell where...what's the question again?

STEVE SANDERS
Uh, well, let me check, uh...

TOM SKILLING
It sounded like a freight train. If it sounds like a freight train, get in your basement immediately.

STEVE SANDERS
Yes, thank you very much, Tom...

TOM SKILLING
And later in the program, after the Cubs game, we'll be watching "It Sounded Like a Freight Train," my award-winning documentary on tornadoes...

STEVE SANDERS
Okay, very good, Tom...

TOM SKILLING
And then after we show "Thunderfoot and Lightfoot"...

STEVE SANDERS
Okay, Tom, that's enough...

TOM SKILLING
"Thunderbolt and Lightfoot," tonight's WGN movie...

STEVE SANDERS
Get the electric cattle prod!

TOM SKILLING
Then we'll be seeing "It Sounded Like a Freight Train," my award-winning documentary on tornadoes and all their meteo--AAAAAAH!

SOUND FX: Electric cattle prod

STEVE SANDERS
It has no effect on him!

TOM SKILLING
...rological phenomena.

STEVE SANDERS
My God, man! He's on a rampage!

TOM SKILLING
And then, after "Bozo's Super Sunday Special," we'll be seeing "It Sounded Like a Freight Train," my award-winning documentary on tornadoes...

STEVE SANDERS
Somebody stop him! Get security!

TOM SKILLING
...safety, detection...we'll be going live to Fobo the Cat, the tornado- chasing cat...

STEVE SANDERS
There's no stopping him! He's breaking out of the studio! He's on a rampage!

TOM SKILLING
RAAAGH! It sounded like a freight...! Everyone must know about tornado safety! From Kansas to...Michigan!

FLOYD KALBER
This is Floyd Kalber outside of the WGN studios, and the monstrous Tom Skilling is attacking the city of Chicago with all his monstrous monstrosity.

JOHN COLEMAN
This is John Coleman. I've come out of retirement to put an end to Tom Skilling's reign of terror.

FLOYD KALBER
So, John, what do you propose to do about this situation?

JOHN COLEMAN
Well, I've been at my summer home in Michigan City, Indiana, where I've been plotting an attack where we lure him into Grand Central Station by creating the sounds of freight trains.

FLOYD KALBER
Isn't Grand Central in New York?

JOHN COLEMAN
Well, see, then he'll be away from us.

FLOYD KALBER
That's a good point.

JOHN COLEMAN
And then we'll also attract Mr. Food to the same place, and then firebomb the area.

FLOYD KALBER
Looks good. Reporting live from the scene, this is Floyd Kalber, WLS Channel 7 Eyewitness News.

TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCER
This is Grand Central Station...trains leaving for...Schenectady and the capital.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, it's so good! Hey, Tom Skilling, what are you doing here?...

SIGGY LLAMA
Oh, that's right, I was doing the Tom Skilling part. Sorry, broke the continuity there. You do Mr. Food and I'll do Tom Skilling.

HUGH JASPER
I forget what he sounds like. Is he real happy, or...?

SIGGY LLAMA
"Ooh, it's so good!"

HUGH JASPER
"Ooh, it's so good!"

MR. FOOD
Hey, look, it's Tom Skilling! You know what? We should really check out the dining car on this freight train! They have this excellent little pie. What they do is, they take strawberries, blueberries, and boysenberries, and they mix it up into a fine paste, and it's just the most delicious paste that I've had since eating paste in high school.

TOM SKILLING
But do you know how to tell if a mushroom is poisonous, Mr. Food?

MR. FOOD
That's right. If you eat one, and you die, then it's poisonous.

TOM SKILLING
But there's a better way. If it sounds like a freight train, then it's a poisonous mushroom.

ANNOUNCER
And so, the train headed for the East Coast, going through South Bend, Fort Wayne, Toledo, and making a stop in Cleveland.

TOM SKILLING
Well, here we are in Cleveland, where there aren't many tornadoes, but there are a lot of freight trains.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, and I'm making an excellent pie for the opening of the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. I call it my Rock 'n' Roll Rutabaga Special. What you do is, you take a big bale of rutabaga and you chop it up very, very, very finely so it's almost like a powder, and then you snuff it up your nose and you die of a drug overdose.

Transcriber's note: At this point, about 30 seconds of the skit was lost while the tape deck that was doing the original recording switched from Deck A to Deck B. My apologies.

MR. FOOD
...are delicious. What you do is, you take his left arm, rip it out of his socket--make sure you salt where the socket is, because it adds that little flavor, you know--and then boil the arm for 10-15 minutes, throw in some parsley, and don't forget to add some, don't forget to add some...

TOM SKILLING
...sliced Tom tomato clubs...Tom tomato...as in the Tom Tom Club, but Tom tomato club, ha ha...

MR. FOOD
That's right. Ooh, it's delicious. We should just try it...it's just the most delicious thing you've ever tasted, if you've never tasted food before in your life.

MR. ANNOUNCER
(Laughing uproariously)

SIGGY LLAMA
Uh, your mike's on.

MR. ANNOUNCER
No, it wasn't.

SIGGY LLAMA
Oh, wait, I could just hear you through the...

Another transcriber's note: Yes, it wasn't on, but one of the kinks to work out of the new WNUR studio was one of the microphones not actually being off when all indications were that it was off. But anyway...

ANNOUNCER
And so, the train left Cleveland and made a stop in Erie, Pennsylvania.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, I don't want to go outside today.

TOM SKILLING
The hairs on the back of my neck are standing up. Maybe there's going to be a lightning strike.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, you know what's a really scary dish to have? Make some Halloween Hungarian goulash. What you do is, you get a Hungarian, chop him up very finely, throw in some parsley, throw in some rutabagas, throw in some blueberries, and stir it at 350 degrees. Ooh, it's just the greatest! If you've never tasted Hungarians before in your life, this is the dish to have.

TOM SKILLING
Boy, Hungarians are really scary people.

MR. FOOD
Well, the reason that they are so scary is because they're from Eastern Europe. You know, Eastern Europe has some of the scariest cuisine ever mentioned. Like if you've ever heard of cabbage rolls--cabbage rolls are the most frightening delicacy ever seen on the west side of Chicago and the north side of Chicago.

TOM SKILLING
How do they taste?

MR. FOOD
Well, basically they taste like...ooh, it's so good! I mean, if you've never had scary food before in your life, ooh, this is so scary, but ooh, it's so good!

ANNOUNCER
And so the train left Erie, Pennsylvania, and stopped in Buffalo, New York.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, Buffalo! Oh, they have the best rye bread in Buffalo! If you're ever in Buffalo, try getting some of the rye bread. It is so good! And just across the border, you can go to Canada and get some really fine 100% pure Canadian maple syrup. You put it on the rye bread, ooh, it's so Canadianly good!

TOM SKILLING
Well, you know, Buffalo, New York is a nice town, but I also like Buffalo, Rome. Buffalo roam?

MR. FOOD
Oh, speaking of Buffalo, you know, the best thing about Buffalo is Buffalo wings. Ooh, if you haven't had Buffalo wings with the rye bread, ooh, it's so good, it's so hot and spicy, it'll burn your tongue right through. There'll be a little hole in your tongue so you can pierce your tongue, but it'll be oh so good!

TOM SKILLING
Don't you think I'm ready to follow in the footsteps of David Letterman, you know, it's good to have some jokes when you're a meteorological...ist.

MR. FOOD
The only thing I know about David Letterman is his food guests. I mean, Wolfgang Puck. I mean, his name, it sounds like a swear word. Why would he even be on TV? Ooh, he's so bad! Plus, he has this German accent, so you know he's evil. You know, Germans are, ooh, they're so evil!

ANNOUNCER
And so the train left Buffalo and stopped in Rochester, New York.

ROCHESTER
Well, can I take your bags?

TOM SKILLING
Oh, that'll be fine.

JACK BENNY
Rochester, what are you doing here at the station?

ROCHESTER
(unintelligible)...I came here to carry the bags for the folks!

JACK BENNY
Rochester, you're my assistant. None of this moonlighting!

ROCHESTER
Well, you don't have any bags for me to carry, except the ones under your eyes! And your mother!

ANNOUNCER
And so the train left Rochester and arrived in Syracuse.

TOM SKILLING
Say, Mr. Food, "Syracuse" kind of sounds like "syrup sauce."

MR. FOOD
Yes, that's right. Pure Canadian Syracuse maple syrup. Ooh, it's so good! You put it on your Hungarian goulash and your Buffalo rye bread. Ooh, it's so good! And you know, Syracuse is the home of the Orangemen. And their great delicacy is called Orangemen Delights. You take a bunch of oranges, you smush 'em up very finely, you pour some pure Canadian maple syrup, ooh, it's so good! And for good measure, you step on it and you throw it out the window. Ooh, it's so good!

ANNOUNCER
And the train leaves Syracuse and arrives in Utica, New York.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, we're in Utica!

ANNOUNCER
And the train left Utica and arrived in Shhenectady. Schenectady!

MR. FOOD
Ooh, here we are in Shhenectady...here in Schenectady, it's where they have the best wienershh....Schenectady wienerschnitzel ever. Ooh, it's so good! If you're ever in Schenectady, make sure you try out the wienerschnitzel. It's shhantastic.

TOM SKILLING
Yeah, I once had a wiener schnitzel on me.

MR. FOOD
Ha ha ha ha ha.

TOM SKILLING
I never went to that locker room again. Ha ha. David Letterman, NBC, you looking for a talk show? ABC?

MR. FOOD
Ooh, you know, if you're locked in a locker room overnight and you're starving, what you can do is, you take all the old sweat socks, put 'em in at 400 degrees, and you make yourself a nice sweat sock broth. Ooh, it's so smelly, but ooh, it's so good if you're really starving!

ANNOUNCER
And the train left Schenectady and arrived in Albany.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, here we are in Albany, and you know, Albany's the home of Governor Mario Cuomo, and he's Italian. You know, Italians love to eat. And there's nothing better than eating Italian food. Ooh, it's so good!

TOM SKILLING
Hey, I think I hear the train announcer saying something.

TRAIN ANNOUNCER
We have just learned that Mario Cuomo is not governor anymore. The governor of New York is George Pataki. Next stop, New York City.

TOM SKILLING
Well, that was interesting.

HUGH JASPER
Wait, wait, I want to know how it ends.

SIGGY LLAMA
No, I was just saying that in character.

HUGH JASPER
Oh! I'm sorry...

TOM SKILLING
I meant, what the train announcer just said was interesting. Although I couldn't hear him because these P.A. systems never really work too well.

MR. FOOD
That's right, and you know what I was just thinking? Because your name is Tom Skilling, maybe we could cook stuff on you. It would be so funny.

TOM SKILLING
What are you talking about?

MR. FOOD
Well, you know, your last name is Tom Skillet.

TOM SKILLING
What? No, wait, don't put that food inside of me.

MR. FOOD
Here, I'll just open up your stomach, just cut a little hole, it'll be 12 inches in diameter...

TOM SKILLING
Waaugh! Ooh, that hurts!

MR. FOOD
...remove the epidermis, and you see there's a little bit of the lining of the stomach wall. What you have to do is, you have to detach that from the rest of the stomach, and what you do is, you stir your food in Tom Skilling's stomach, which is at a temperature of about 200 degrees Celsius or 400 degrees Fahrenheit, and you let that sit in there for about 3 to 4 days, then you take it out, and the stomach juices--the amino acids will work through your food, and you create this really acidic paste. Ooh, it's so good!

TOM SKILLING
You know, looking inside at all my organs is making me sick! I have to go throw up in the bathroom! (Vomiting noises) Ooh, this toilet bowl sure is nice and cold. Oh, what's this next to the toilet bowl? It's a bottle of... White Tornado!

ANNOUNCER
And so, the train leaves Albany and arrives in Boston.

MR. FOOD
Oh, here we are in Boston...

TOM SKILLING
I sure have heard a lot about Boston chicken.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, Boston Chicken! Ooh, it's the best chicken besides Kentucky Fried Chicken, or KFC as it's known. What you do is, you take some Boston Chicken and you get some Kentucky Fried Chicken and you mix it all together in a really big pile, you know, add some vinegar, add some of Tom Skilling's stomach linings, and then you heat it at 300 degrees. Ooh, it's so good!

TOM SKILLING
Well, my mother's recipe was that she would go to Boston Market and put some Boston Market chicken in there just for flavor.

MR. FOOD
Of course, if you eat too much Boston Market chicken, it creates a swirling effect in your stomach, sort of like a tornado just sitting in your stomach.

TOM SKILLING
What? A tornado? It snuck up on me! It didn't sound like a freight train!

ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile, back in Chicago...

FLOYD KALBER
I'm Floyd Kalber, and it appears that, John, your plan didn't work, because they're in Boston and not New York.

JOHN COLEMAN
Well, it appears that they got on the wrong train.

FLOYD KALBER
Well, then what do you propose to do to get them to New York?

JOHN COLEMAN
Well...maybe we could get the train to go through Wade Boggs' legs.

FLOYD KALBER
Yes, I see. So, Wade Boggs' legs. Is that the best route to New York?

JOHN COLEMAN
No, I mean that once it goes through Wade Boggs' legs, disaster will result.

MR. ANNOUNCER
I think you mean Bill Buckner.

JOHN COLEMAN
Oh, yeah.

FLOYD KALBER
You lost me there for a second, because...Anyway...

JOHN COLEMAN
All those baseball players. They all look the same, with their tight pants and round, firm buttocks.

FLOYD KALBER
But still...

JOHN COLEMAN
The pinstripes accentuating every crease...

FLOYD KALBER
Do you think Tom Skilling...

JOHN COLEMAN
Full of flabby, sensuous flesh...

FLOYD KALBER
That's all well and good, John...

JOHN COLEMAN
You can almost see each individual hair as they bend over to scratch...

FLOYD KALBER
Yes, that's enough, John, you're making me quite ill. I think I'm going to throw up right now (vomiting noises)...well, John, what if...do you think the monstrous Tom Skilling can still be fooled into thinking that Bill Buckner is Wade Boggs?

JOHN COLEMAN
Well, if he wore a Wade Boggs uniform, perhaps he would think it was Wade Boggs.

FLOYD KALBER
But how to inform Wade Boggs?

ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile, in Boston...

CLIFF CLAVIN
Hey, that there's a big weatherman there, Normy. What do you say to that?

NORM PETERSON
Yeah.

CLIFF CLAVIN
You know, monstrous weathermen, they don't come a dime a dozen. Besides Tom Skilling, the biggest weatherman was a guy who worked for KUSA in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. He was eight-foot-four and 400 pounds, and he once ate a whole cow in one sitting.

NORM PETERSON
Reminds me of my wife. Not him, the cow.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, Cheers! They have the best beer here in Cheers! Ooh, it's so good! Especially their special drink, the Blue Tornado. It's just delicious! You take some NyQuil, and you mix that up with some vodka...

TOM SKILLING
Did someone say tornado? RAAAAGH!

CLIFF CLAVIN
Hey, looky there, Normy. That giant weatherman, he's stepping on all the customers. I think we're next.

TOM SKILLING
Wait a second, here in this bar they have a big wooden Indian, which reminds me of the Super Chief, which reminds me of a freight train! Aaaaagh!

CLIFF CLAVIN
Hey, Normy, put on the baseball game.

NORM PETERSON
Okay.

BASEBALL ANNOUNCER
And we're here at Yankee Stadium. Now up to bat, Wade Boggs, a.k.a. Bill Buckner.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, Wade Boggs. You know, he has the finest cuisine for any baseball player, because you know, the thing you do is, you take Wade Boggs' jockstrap, you boil it at 400 degrees, add some sweat socks, add some parsley, ooh, it's so good!

TOM SKILLING
And nice pinstripes!

BASEBALL ANNOUNCER
Wade Boggs is currently 0-for-48, but we hope that the Great White Tornado will soon be batting good once again.

TOM SKILLING
The White Tornado? Aaaaaaagh!

ANNOUNCER
And soon, the monstrous Tom Skilling and Mr. Food traveled to New York.

TOM SKILLING
Well, here we are in New York.

MR. FOOD
Ooh, New York. You know, New York is one of the biggest cities and has the most restaurants per square mile. It's just so big and monstrous, the amount of restaurants.

TOM SKILLING
Mmmm! Now, Mr. Food, how should I prepare this New York sewer rat?

MR. FOOD
Ooh, well, first you want to remove the teeth, because you can't chew on the rats' teeth because they're made of enamel. What you want to do is, you want to remove the teeth from the rat, curl up their whiskers until, ooh, they're in a macaroni shape, and then what you do is, you stick the rat in a bottle of Hudson water, boil the bottle at 400 degrees Celsius, throw in some Snapple which adds that extra kick, ooh, it'd just be so good!

ANNOUNCER
Back in Chicago...

FLOYD KALBER
Well, John, it appears that Tom Skilling is in New York, so would now be a good time to firebomb?

JOHN COLEMAN
Yes, we should destroy the entire area, if possible. But first, Floyd, could you give me one of those delightful news stories about ducks that you do at the end of every news day?

FLOYD KALBER
Certainly. Out in suburban Wauconda, a mother duck and her four ducklings were seen crossing the road. The mother duck replied, "We were just following the chicken." And that'll do it tonight for Eyewitness News. I'm Floyd Kalber. And now, we take you live to New York where John is ready to firebomb the monstrous Tom Skilling.

SOUND FX:Airplane

JOHN COLEMAN
Well, I was going to ride down on the bomb and wave my cowboy hat yelling "Yee-ha, yee-ha, yee-ha," but then I realized that's been done. So I thought to be different, I would place the bomb between my legs like a large phallus, and therefore, impregnate them with fiery death, just like I did to my wife.

PILOT
We're over New York City now, sir.

JOHN COLEMAN
Will this bomb destroy the entire city?

PILOT
According to our calculations, sir, it will destroy New York City proper, all the boroughs, and Long Island all the way to Hicksville.

JOHN COLEMAN
Good, I wanted to get Hicksville. So, bombs away.

SOUND FX: Bomb dropping

JOHN COLEMAN
Oh, I forgot to ask...are we safe up in this plane?

SOUND FX: Bomb still dropping

JOHN COLEMAN
Why are we flying so high in the air?

PILOT
Uhh, actually...

JOHN COLEMAN
We're not over the Earth! What planet did we just bomb?

SOUND FX: Explosion

ANNOUNCER
And so, because of a miscalculation, Mars no longer exists, and the monstrous Tom Skilling went on to destroy the entire New York City and had Hicksville for dessert.

SOUND FX: Chewing sounds

MR. FOOD
Oh, don't forget, for dessert, try to have some Syosset, it's right next to Hicksville, and don't forget to eat some of the Hamptons too. Ooh, they're a great after-dinner mint.

TOM SKILLING
Ooh, this is so good, Mr. Food.

ANNOUNCER
And so, New York was eaten by the monstrous Tom Skilling, making Chicago the best city in the world! The end!

SOUND FX: Cheering