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Arnold Weber Says Goodbye

Transcript of improvised bit which aired on Sucks to Yer Az-Mar! December 9, 1994

                     CAST  (In Order of Appearance)
Mr. Announcer........................................................Himself
Arnold Weber.....................................................Hugh Jasper


MR. ANNOUNCER
And now, retiring after nine years as president of Northwestern University, here with his farewell address is Dr. Arnold R. Weber.

SOUND FX: Music from "A Charlie Brown Christmas" playing

ARNOLD WEBER
Thank you very much. Nice music you've got there for me. Well, this is my farewell speech as president emeritus of Northwestern University. I've served her well for the nine years. I announced my retirement in about April or May. I don't quite remember. But this is it for me. I'm leaving. I'm saying, "Hasta la vista, baby," just like Arnold Schwarzenpfeffer, whatever you kids like.

I remember back in my college days. I know it's a rough time with finals and reading week and all that. I remember attending school as a young lad at Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania. Or was it at Penn? Maybe it was at East Stroudsburg. I'm not sure. Well, anyway, some college out East. I remember, during finals, I had a psychology exam to study for. And I'm talking to one of my friends, my friend Louie -- I think that was his name. Well, anyway, I'm sitting there and I'm -- I'm just getting stressed out because none of this is making any sense, and my friend Louie takes me by his side and says, "Arnie, how would you like a Pepsi?"

I said, "A Pepsi? What's that? I never heard of that before."

And, well, my friend Louie, he says, "Well, Pepsi, it's a soft drink. It's made in New York." (Coughs) Pardon me. Getting all choked up. (Coughs) Shouldn't have quit. Anybody seen my Pall Malls? Sandy, go get me some Newports. Or what's on sale? Go down to the convenience store they opened up. You know, by the Taco Bell. Anyway, as a young lad, my friend Louie turns to me and says, "You know, Arnie, you should try Pepsi."

I said, "Pepsi? Why?"

My friend Louie looked me in the eye, and he said, "Why not?"

So I took a sip, and I was in instant heaven. I remember that night well. I was suddenly charged to study my brains out for this psychology exam, studying the id, the ego, and the superego. Oh, I remember it all now. It was such a great feeling. I was up all night, and I took my exam.

And when I was done, I was quarterback for our football team. It was our homecoming game. It was our last game of the season. We needed to win. Our coach was retiring and our mascot was dead. And I went up there, I ran for 600 yards and threw for 12 touchdowns, and all because of Pepsi. Oh, those were the days of college.

So I understand what a lot of you students are going through. So remember, if studying stresses you out, don't forget -- be young, have fun, and drink Pepsi.

And this will be my last opportunity to speak to you, fellow students -- maybe not fellow students, because I'm president and you're just a bunch of students. Well, anyway, I'd just like to add that I've had fun here my nine years at Northwestern. Got to see a lot of White Sox games. You know my pal Jerry Reinsdorf. He owns the White Sox. He's also a trustee on the Northwestern staff.

I had a lot of good times. I got Warren Beatty to come visit, but nobody noticed. I got Mrs. Garrett to come visit, but nobody remembered that, either. I almost got Gorbachev, but, uh...I really thought that birthmark on his head was really a stain. I'm sorry. I just said, "Hey, you got something on your head," and he was really offended. I apologize. Well, I just said -- I told ASG -- I told Alix Rosenthal, "Listen here, lady, you take the rap for this. No way that Arnold R. Weber's gonna take the rap for blowing Northwestern's opportunity to host a former world leader."

As I sit here, and listening to this calm, soothing music supplied by the Vince Guaraldi Trio -- you know, the guys who play in those "Peanuts" specials? Did you happen to see "A Charlie Brown Christmas" last night? Oh, it really pulls my heart strings, the way he got that little tree out of that Christmas tree lot. You know, there's all these different white and pink and leather, and all sorts of different trees, but Charlie Brown, he picked up that little tree and said, "This is the tree for me," or something like that. And he took it, and all those little brats in the play didn't like it. They made fun of him, and they made Charlie Brown really mad. Now, if I was in Charlie Brown's place, I would have picked up that Lucy bitch and I would have thrown her across the stage. Of course, back in my olden days, I would have done that, but now I'm an old man.

But I'm still throwing Pepsi and cigarettes all day. That's the key to success. Never mind this bean sprout crap or exercising, just Pepsi and cigarettes, and you'll live to be 300.

Well, anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Charlie Brown, he took this tree home with him, not to be outdone, and he tried to decorate it. And he put a bulb on it, and it leaned over, and he thought he killed it. But all the little kids got together, and they decorated that tree, and it was the most beautiful tree in the special.

And why do I say this? Because it's the Christmas season. Oh, and also it's the Hanukkah season and the Kwanzaa season, and it's just a regular holiday season. I'd just like to wish you all the very best happy holidays. It's been a real pleasure being president of Northwestern University. I'll miss you all. Well, maybe not all of you, but some of you, and have a Pepsi on me. Thank you very much for your time.



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