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The Amazing Accountant Man

by Jim Ellwanger, with additional dialogue by Jeremy Morse

Originally aired on Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme April 22, 1995

Author's Note: I based this sketch on the current "action" (and I use the term very loosely) in "The Amazing Spider-Man" comic strip, in which Peter Parker got a job at a sinister circus. The Chicago Tribune dropped the strip a few months after this, so we never got to find out how it ended. (For all I know, the storyline is still going on at the usual glacial pace of "Spider-Man.")

MR. ANNOUNCER
By failing to use his accountant powers when he had the chance, Brian Barker allowed a tax cheat to escape--a tax cheat who would later claim an exemption for Brian's gentle Uncle Ben!...The Amazing Accountant Man!... Previously, on The Amazing Accountant Man...

BRIAN
So, Margie Jean, what are some ways I could make money using my accountant powers?

MARGIE JEAN
I'm your wife, not a career counselor. Besides, I don't understand why you have to use your accountant powers at all. It just seems so dangerous.

BRIAN
I have to fight evil wherever it occurs...whether it's on an individual's Form 2568, a small business's capital gains report Schedule R, or a large corporation's S.E.C. Form 4921.

MARGIE JEAN
I understand. Well, we ran a poll and it looks like a majority of people want you to be a performing accountant.

BRIAN
But let's see...where do accountants perform?

MARGIE JEAN
I don't know.

BOTH
Hmmmmm...

BRIAN
I've got it!

MARGIE JEAN
What?

BRIAN
I'll be the accountant for a circus! There's one set up in the Megalopolis Fairgrounds. I'll go over there and see the ringmaster.

MARGIE JEAN
Be careful, tiger.

BRIAN
I'm always careful.

MR. ANNOUNCER
And now, today's, uh, action..."The Amazing Accountant Man."

BRIAN
Here I am, after having just gotten off the Megalopolis subway at the Fairgrounds station. I secretly used my accountant skills to calculate the exact amount it would cost to buy two subway tokens so I'd avoid lines when making the return trip. I don't know why my wife Margie Jean told me to be careful when I went to seek a job as a circus accountant with the circus that has set up here at the fairgrounds....This must be the circus here, where there's a big tent set up. I'll go inside and see if I can find the ringmaster. Excuse me, sir...

CLOWN
(sounds evil) The name is Goopy the Clown.

BRIAN
Goopy the Clown?

CLOWN
I wanted "Emmett Kelly," but that name was taken. Are you a new perfomer? I haven't seen you around here.

BRIAN
I'm not a new performer yet, but I hope to be. I'm looking for the ringmaster.

CLOWN
He's over there. The guy with the top hat and the pencil-thin mustache.

BRIAN
Thanks. Say, are you deducting the cost of the batteries used to power your lit-up red nose?

CLOWN
What?

BRIAN
Nothing.

CLOWN
(under breath) There's something I don't trust about that guy.

BRIAN
Hello, Mr. Ringmaster?

RINGMASTER
Yeah? What can I do for you, kid?

BRIAN
I'd like to be this circus's new accountant.

RINGMASTER
You? Kid, don't make me laugh. Your fingers don't even look big enough to run the adding machine.

BRIAN
Just let me audition. What have you got to lose?

RINGMASTER
All right. Here's our books. You got one minute to balance 'em.

BRIAN
A whole minute? That's a lot. Let's see...fifteen, carry the two, divide by eight...there you go.

RINGMASTER
Kid, that's amazing. You're hired!

BRIAN
Wow, thanks! Thanks a lot.

RINGMASTER
The show starts at 8:00 tonight. Be here at 7:30.

BRIAN
I'm going to go back to my apartment and tell my wife, Margie Jean, about this now.

CLOWN
(after a pause) There's something about that kid I just don't trust.

RINGMASTER
Yeah? He seems pretty dumb, except for his accounting ability. I don't think he'll ever discover our...you know.

CLOWN
(laughs evilly)

RINGMASTER
(joins in, laughing gradually fades)

BRIAN
I just got a great new job with the circus. So why is my accountant sense tingling?...It's probably just someone near here forgetting about the earned income tax credit.

MARGIE JEAN
I wonder when Brian's going to get home. It gets lonely here in this apartment. Sounds like the afternoon edition of the Daily Trombone was just delivered in front of the door...and here's Brian, coming home from his attempt to get a job as an accountant with a circus. How'd it go?

BRIAN
Great! I got the job. I start tonight.

MARGIE JEAN
What's in today's Daily Trombone?

BRIAN
Let's see..."Accountant Man, Scourge of Megalopolis, part 873 of a continuing series."

MARGIE JEAN
So you got the job as an accountant with the circus that's currently in the Megalopolis Fairgrounds?

BRIAN
That's right. Hey, why don't you come and see the show tonight? It's my big debut.

MARGIE JEAN
That sounds fun! I'll go and see you be an accountant at the circus.

BRIAN
(after a pause) Here we are at the circus, honey. You'll have to sit in the seats while I do my accountant act.

MARGIE JEAN
What if someone recognizes you and connects you somehow with Accountant Man?

BRIAN
Don't worry, I'm going to be wearing a mask.

MARGIE JEAN
Not your Accountant Man mask!

BRIAN
No, a different mask. Don't worry, honey, just sit in the bleachers and enjoy the show.

RINGMASTER
(after a pause) And now, ladies and gentlemen, something new for you! Discovering deductions dramatically with five fantastic fingers flying, please welcome...The Great Barkerootie!

BRIAN
(to self) "The Great Barkerootie?" Oh, well, time to stun the crowd! First, the standard Form 4171...including the worksheet on the back... Schedule A! Schedule B! Schedule C! Schedules D through F in one fell swoop! Now, on to the Megalopolis city tax forms...That was a snap! Form 6406, a little more complicated...worksheet on the back...and there we go! Now, something spectacular for the end...the statement of losses incurred by an "S" corporation!...Line 4, done! Line 17, done! And all the way to Line 32, and I am done!...(pause)...I wonder why no one's applauding? What's going on? It looks like they're giving free cotton candy�to the audience! And everyone's having to choose between pink and blue! There's something strange going on here!

MARGIE JEAN
(after a pause) I don't know, tiger, I just can't remember seeing your accountant act.

BRIAN
I thought there was something strange about this circus. Want to go out for a cup of coffee?

MARGIE JEAN
No, thanks, I'm full. All I remember is them coming around in the aisles with free cotton candy...and I had to choose between pink and blue.

BRIAN
Do you feel all right? You look a little funny.

MARGIE JEAN
I don't know. My face is all sticky, and I feel like I'm walking funny.

BRIAN
You do look like you're walking funny. Why don't you sit down on this park bench?

MARGIE JEAN
All right...I just realized my left shoe is missing!

BRIAN
Where did you have it last?

MARGIE JEAN
I know I had it on when I went into the circus, and I had it on when I leaned over to get the cotton candy.

BRIAN
It must have just fallen off. It's probably still under the bleachers. And I just realized I forgot to pick up my paycheck. So let's go back over there...that is, if you feel like walking.

MARGIE JEAN
I'm all right.

RINGMASTER
(After a pause) (Evilly) Well, Goopy the Clown, did the cotton candy distribution work tonight?

CLOWN
(Evilly) Like a charm, ringmaster. A packed house and all of them were delighted to see the free cotton candy.

BRIAN
Knock, knock!

CLOWN
It's that accountant kid.

RINGMASTER
I'll get rid of him quick...Come in!

BRIAN
I just realized I forgot to pick up my paycheck for tonight.

RINGMASTER
Ah, yes...here you go. Fourteen dollars and six cents, and congratulations on a job well done. The audience really loved you.

BRIAN
How could you tell? I didn't hear any applause.

RINGMASTER
They were stunned into silence.

BRIAN
That makes sense...I guess. Oh, has anyone turned any shoes into the lost and found?

RINGMASTER
Shoes?

CLOWN
No! Uh, no. No one's found any shoes.

BRIAN
All right, then, I'll go out and help my wife Margie Jean look for her shoe. She lost it under the bleachers.

RINGMASTER
You do that...Oh, by the way, we're playing in East Megalopolis tomorrow night.

BRIAN
But you had a sold out show tonight! Why don't you stay around another night?

RINGMASTER
Listen, that's none of your business! You don't set the tour schedule at this circus, I do!

BRIAN
Whoa, whoa, easy! I was just asking. I'll be there tomorrow night.

CLOWN
(Under breath) I knew there was something about him I didn't trust.

RINGMASTER
Well, for now he's a big draw. But we'll get rid of him soon enough. (Laughs evilly)

CLOWN
(Joins in laughing evilly)

BRIAN
(After a pause) Did you have any luck finding your shoe, honey?

MARGIE JEAN
No. I guess someone walked off with it.

BRIAN
But who would walk off with a shoe?...And why would a circus give out free cotton candy?...And why didn't anyone applaud my accounting?

MARGIE JEAN
Can we get home as soon as possible? I'm still walking funny and my face still feels sticky.

BRIAN
Oh, sure, honey. (To himself) There goes my accountant sense again! And I feel as if half my face is normal, but the other half is wearing a green eyeshade and has a pencil behind the ear!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Next...East Megalopolis!



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Page Last Updated: July 20, 1997