The San Pedro Beach Bums
by Jim Ellwanger
Originally aired on Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme April 29, 1995
Author's Note: So there I was, flipping through The Complete Directory to Prime Time Network and Cable TV Shows 1946-Present when I had an idea. The "theme music" listed here is not the actual "San Pedro Beach Bums" music, of course; what I used was some Pat Metheney jazz-fusion instrumental.
In performing this in 1995, we said "San Pay-dro" the handful of times it comes up in this script. Now that I live in Los Angeles, I can report that it turns out it's really pronounced "San Pee-dro.
MR. ANNOUNCER
And now, a new feature on the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme.
Forgotten television programs, revived for radio. Tonight, a show that aired
from September to December of 1977. "The San Pedro Beach Bums."
(Theme music)
BUDDY
Stuf! Have you seen the pizza I put in the refrigerator?
STUF
(with mouth full) What pizza?
BUDDY
Oh, Stuf, I wanted to eat that pizza for dinner!
BOYCHICK
Face it, Buddy, there's no hope for him. He just believes that heavy is
beautiful.
BUDDY
I'm sure you're right, Boychick. You certainly don't believe that. You're
our answer to Clark Gable.
DANCER
So, what, um, is there any food in the houseboat?
BOYCHICK
Be cool, Dancer. Don't be so nervous. Stop dancing around like that.
MOOSE
Please lay off him, Boychick. He's shy and nervous, and I'm muscular and
gentle.
BUDDY
Anyway, there isn't any food here in our houseboat, which is called "Our
Boat."
STUF
Well, not any more, there isn't.
BUDDY
I guess one of us will have to make the supreme sacrifice.
DANCER
Oh, please, not me. I'm sure I don't taste very good.
BUDDY
That's not what I meant, Dancer. I mean one of us is going to have to get
a job.
EVERYONE ELSE
A JOB?!!!
MOOSE
But how can we be Southern California beach bums if we have jobs?
BOYCHICK
It's simple, Moose. Only one of us will get a job. The other four will
still be bums.
MOOSE
Yeah?
BOYCHICK
The one with the job will still be a bum, because he'll be hanging out with
a bunch of bums!
MOOSE
Oh, I get it.
BUDDY
So, who's it going to be?
BOYCHICK
I think Stuf should get the job. He's the one who ate all the food.
STUF
I did get a job, last year.
BOYCHICK
What happened?
STUF
I ate up all the profits.
BUDDY
How about you, Boychick? You might be able to get a modeling job.
BOYCHICK
I couldn't handle all those women looking at my picture.
DANCER
Uh, that sounds good to me.
BOYCHICK
They should be looking at me in real life.
BUDDY
Dancer, what about you?
DANCER
Uh, well, I had a job for a while, but it made me really nervous! My hands
kept shaking.
BUDDY
What job did you have?
DANCER
Neurosurgeon.
BUDDY
Moose, do you think you could get a job? You're big enough to get a tryout
with the Oakland Raiders.
MOOSE
I may be muscular, but I'm also gentle. I just couldn't go around tackling
other human beings.
BUDDY
All right. Well, as the ever confident, self-proclaimed leader of this group,
I'm sure I can get a job. I'll go out right now and look for one.
(Theme music)
BUDDY
So far, no business has been hiring. There's only one place left in San
Pedro...this new bakery that just opened.
ANGELA
Hi, welcome to Angela's Bakery. How may I help you?
BUDDY
I'm looking for a job, actually.
ANGELA
Well, we're hiring. Can you work a cash register?
BUDDY
I'm pretty sure I can.
ANGELA
Do you know your numbers from zero through nine?
BUDDY
Yes...
ANGELA
Then you can work a cash register. You're hired. You'll be working forty
hours a week, and we'll pay you the current minimum wage of two dollars and
thirty cents an hour.
BUDDY
Two-thirty times forty? That's...a lot of pizzas!
ANGELA
Oh, and one other thing. You can eat everything in the store...
BUDDY
Wow! That's great!
ANGELA
...but it'll come out of your salary.
BUDDY
Oh, well, I'll just have to keep a tight rein on myself.
(Theme music)
DANCER
Uh, uh, has anyone noticed anything strange around here?
BOYCHICK
Yeah, Stuf hasn't eaten in over ten minutes.
DANCER
No, uh, I mean, Buddy's been gone an awfully long time!
BOYCHICK
He probably got hired by someone and they put him to work right away.
STUF
Or maybe he's been mugged.
BOYCHICK
What does he have for someone to mug?
MOOSE
But we'd better leave this houseboat and go look for him, just in case.
He might need our help!
(Theme music)
BUDDY
Seventy-nine, eighty, ninety, one dollar. Thank you, sir, come again.
MOOSE
Oh, Buddy! There you are! We were so worried!
BUDDY
Moose? Guys? What's there to be worried about?
MOOSE
We thought you might have been mugged.
DANCER
So we've been all over San Pedro looking for you, and it looks like you
got a job.
STUF
...in a bakery! Oh, man, am I jealous!
BOYCHICK
So what all do you do here, Buddy?
BUDDY
I'm a cashier.
STUF
Do you bake all this stuff? These cookies, cakes, cupcakes? Oh, wow,
even bakery pizza!
BUDDY
No, I'm just a cashier, Stuf.
STUF
Can I have a taste of that apple pie?
BUDDY
Uh, I guess so...
BOYCHICK
Hey, a couple of peanut butter cookies would taste pretty good right now.
MOOSE
Do you have any yellow cake with chocolate frosting? That's my favorite.
DANCER
Uh, since everyone else is getting stuff, can I have an eclair?
BUDDY
Sure, everyone, but it's just that...
STUF
Wow, Buddy! This is great pie! Can I have a larger piece?
BOYCHICK
Three cheers for Buddy!
EVERYONE
Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!
BUDDY
Thanks a lot, guys.
STUF
No, thank you, Buddy.
(Theme music)
STUF
Wow, Buddy, this doughnut is even better than the one I had on Wednesday.
ANGELA
You guys must really like it here. You've been here every day this week.
BOYCHICK
It's nicer in here than in our houseboat.
MOOSE
Yeah, it's a lot cleaner.
ANGELA
It's time to close up, though.
STUF
So soon?
DANCER
Uh, thanks a lot for all the food, Buddy.
BUDDY
You're welcome, guys. See you back at the houseboat.
ANGELA
Well, Buddy, I've been very pleased with your work this week. I'm going
to give you a five percent bonus.
BUDDY
Really? Thanks a lot!
ANGELA
So, 40 hours at two-thirty an hour equals ninety-two dollars, five percent
of that is four-sixty. So you grossed ninety-six sixty.
BUDDY
That's almost a hundred dollars!
ANGELA
Minus twenty-one seventy-eight in federal income tax, minus four ninety-seven
in California income tax, minus seventy-four cents in San Pedro income tax,
minus thirteen twenty-one in Social Security tax, equals fifty-five ninety.
BUDDY
That'll still buy a lot of pizzas.
ANGELA
Minus what your friends ate this week...let's see, I made a list here.
BUDDY
That list is a mile long!
ANGELA
It adds up to two hundred and thirty seven dollars and fifty-eight cents.
So the way I figure it, you owe me one hundred eighty-one dollars and
sixty-eight cents. You'll be working the next two weeks for free, I'm afraid.
BUDDY
For free?
(Theme music)
BOYCHICK
Hey, Buddy's back! Buddy, did you get your paycheck?
BUDDY
Yeah, I got my paycheck, all right. Here, you can try to use it to buy pizzas.
BOYCHICK
Looks like the computer your boss used to print this out made a mistake. This
is for a negative number.
BUDDY
Computers never make mistakes.
DANCER
Wait, you owe your boss money?
BUDDY
A hundred eighty-one dollars and change.
MOOSE
How could you owe money?...Wait a minute, did you have to pay for what we
were eating?
BUDDY
Yeah, I did.
BOYCHICK
But we thought you could feed your friends for free!
DANCER
You should have told us you had to pay for all those cookies and cakes. We
wouldn't have eaten any.
BUDDY
It's just that you guys liked me so much when you were there the first day I
was, and I gave you the eclair, Dancer, and I gave Stuf the pie.
MOOSE
We like you even when you don't give us food!
BOYCHICK
Yeah, you're our ever-confident self-proclaimed leader! The San Pedro Beach
Bums have to stick together!
BUDDY
You guys are so great. Where's Stuf?
BOYCHICK
I think he's in the can.
STUF
Here I am...Hey, Buddy, you're back! Did you bring any cupcakes or anything
from work? I'm starving!
EVERYONE
Oh, Stuf!
(Theme music)
MR. ANNOUNCER
You've been listening to the radio version of a long-forgotten television
show..."The San Pedro Beach Bums," which aired from September to December of 1977.
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