Funeral for Nibbles

by Jim Ellwanger

Originally aired on Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme May 13, 1995

Author's Note: It was truly a great day for mankind when Nibbles, the most annoyingly-voiced character in the history of radio, was eaten by dingoes in the episode previous to this one.

SIGGY
Mr. Announcer, aren't you an ordained minister?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Sort of...

SIGGY
Sort of?

MR. ANNOUNCER
I'm a minister in Big Al's Discount "You Pay Only $9.95" Church.

SIGGY
But can you perform a funeral?

MR. ANNOUNCER
I can...if someone pays me $9.95.

SIGGY
Mr. Sucktoad?

MR. SUCKTOAD
$9.95? How about four bucks and eight cartons of Aerosweet brand sweetener?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Throw in a pack of Vapos and you've got a deal.

MR. SUCKTOAD
Yeah, that kid might have been annoying, but he's worth at least that much for giving this show higher ratings.

SIGGY
Is that all he meant to you, was ratings?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Please, let's not fight. This is a solemn occasion. We should hold the funeral in Nibbles' favorite place in the whole world.

CLETUS
How can we have a funeral in my pants?

SIGGY
I think Nibbles was most happy when he was out on stage performing. So we should have the funeral out there. Follow me, everyone.

SOUND FX: Applause

SIGGY
Please, everyone, hold your applause. I know the name of this show is the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme...

MR. SUCKTOAD
That's Vapo Cigarettes Presents the Siggy Llama-Vapo Cigarette Comedy Programme!

SIGGY
Anyway, we're going to put the comedy on hold for a few minutes here. Shortly after last week's episode, one of our cast members was, tragically, killed. What you are about to see is a memorial service for our favorite little boy. Mr. Announcer will conduct the service.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Thank you, Siggy...from now until the end of the service, I'm Reverend Announcer. Now, let's see...(whispers) I've never done a funeral before, so I have to look it up in the book. (out loud) He pushed her down onto the bed roughly, her milky-white thighs...

BRUCE
Uh, Mr. Reverend Announcer, I think we got our books mixed up. This must be yours.

MR. ANNOUNCER
My mistake. Now, then. We are gathered here to pay tribute to a truly great man, uh, boy, Nibbles...Nibbles...What was his last name, anyway?

RICH
I don't think he had one, did he?

MR. ANNOUNCER
I guess it doesn't matter. In his life, Nibbles touched a great many people.

CLETUS
Yeah, in more ways than one.

MR. ANNOUNCER
If there is anyone who believes that the union of Nibbles and death should not take place, speak now or forever hold your peace....I guess I see why this only cost $9.95. And now, everyone who knew and loved Nibbles will say a few words in celebration of his life. Siggy?

SIGGY
Well, I'm not really prepared for this...I guess I first got to know Nibbles at the same time as we all did, when he was left on the doorstep of the studio. He soon proved to be a valuable member of our cast, particularly that week when he filled all the female parts. Even though he could be a little grating at times...

CLETUS
At times?

SIGGY
...we all loved him anyway.

MR. ANNOUNCER
We certainly did. Bruce, why don't you say something about Nibbles?

BRUCE
Me? Okay, then I'll tell my favorite Nibbles story. Nibbles was at a dinner party, and he had a little too much to drink. The woman he was sitting next to noticed this and said "Nibbles, you're drunk!" Nibbles turned to her and said, "Madam, I may be drunk, but you're ugly, and tomorrow, I'll be sober." That's the kind of little boy Nibbles was. He was the kind of person the British people could look to for support and guidance during some trying times.

MR. SUCKTOAD
Swilly Boy beer certainly does help you develop a razor-sharp wit!

SIGGY
Mr. Sucktoad! This is a funeral, not an excuse to pitch Consolidated Limited Incorporated's products!

MR. ANNOUNCER
Why don't you go next, Mr. Sucktoad?

MR. SUCKTOAD
Okay. Even though Nibbles once dropped a mountain on me, he sold a lot of products. He was a sweet kid. Almost as sweet as Aerosweet brand sprayable sugar substitute. I remember how much he loved inhaling the second-hand smoke from my Vapo cigarettes.

MR. ANNOUNCER
(after a pause) Is that it?

MR. SUCKTOAD
Also, he had intestines, just like Oink brand sausages.

MR. ANNOUNCER
How about you, Rich?

RICH
I just want to echo Mr. Sucktoad and say that Nibbles definitely had intestines. And he usually held his cup with both hands like I told him to.

BRUCE
It's too bad Patsy couldn't be here for this. She loved Nibbles like a brother.

DELIVERY BOY
Estern Oonion telegram for Siggy Llama and cast!

SIGGY
I'm Siggy Llama.

DELIVERY BOY
Are you cast?

CLETUS
Yeah.

SIGGY
Can somebody tip him? I don't have any cash.

CLETUS
Here's a tip for you: there's no future in telegram delivering.

MR. SUCKTOAD
Have a free sample of Aerosweet brand sprayable sugar substitute.

SIGGY
This telegram is from Patsy!

RICH
What does it say? Read it aloud!

SIGGY
"Siggy and Cast, stop. Sorry Nibbles passed away, stop. Please continue show, don't stop, stop. Remembering you fondly, stop. Signed, Patsy."

BRUCE
She didn't say if she got her glass and diamonds!

SIGGY
From reading that, it sounds like, if she hasn't gotten them yet, she'll be getting them soon.

MR. ANNOUNCER
That leaves Cletus. So what are your fond memories of Nibbles?

CLETUS
I don't have any fond memories of Nibbles.

MR. ANNOUNCER
Not even one?

CLETUS
No, he was a bastard.

MR. ANNOUNCER
That's probably true, but I don't see what his parents' marital status has to do with anything.

CLETUS
Just go on to the next part of the service.

MR. ANNOUNCER
All right, if you'll all open your hymnals to Hymn 402, the Vapo Cigarettes Studio Orchestra will begin playing.

EVERYONE
(sung to opening theme)
Nibbles was a special little boy
He brought into this world a lot of joy
Aerosweet has fewer calories
Nibbles was a special little boy

SIGGY
Mr. Sucktoad! Did you mess with the words?

MR. SUCKTOAD
No, that's the way that hymn goes, I paid $9.95 to get the names of various Consolidated Limited, Incorporated products mentioned in that hymnal.

BRUCE
What's that bright light over there?

CLETUS
It's either Captain Kirk beaming down or...

SIGGY
Nibbles!

NIBBLES
Hello, everybody. Did you miss me a whole lot?

CLETUS
Hold it. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...okay, it's been more than three.

NIBBLES
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Warbat. I'm not the second coming of Christ. I'm still dead. I did get to meet him though.

SIGGY
You mean you met the son of God?

NIBBLES
Oh, yeah. He was handing out food to people. He asked me if I wanted a loaf of bread or a fish. I said I wanted both. He said that's what everyone wants.

SIGGY
So there's a heaven? What's it like?

NIBBLES
It's just like Las Vegas, only without all the neon, gambling casinos, and prostitutes. It does have Siegfried and Roy.

BRUCE
What do you do all day?

NIBBLES
I've only been there a few days. First I got to take a ride on a really long escalator going all the way up to the sky, just like in those old insurance commercials. That took a long time. Saint Peter told me they were going to be installing a monorail soon. But anyway, I've been busy taking guitar lessons from this nerdy guy named Buddy.

SIGGY
You've been taking guitar lessons from Buddy Holly?

NIBBLES
Yeah, I wanted to learn from Jimi Hendrix, but he has a longer waiting list. Oh, and last night, I went out on a date with this nice blonde lady who was an actress. Her name was Mary, or Marilyn...

SIGGY
You went on a date with Marilyn Monroe?

NIBBLES
Yeah, she thinks I'm cute.

CLETUS
So, does being in heaven give you access to any kinds of...special knowledge?

NIBBLES
Special knowledge?

CLETUS
Yeah, like do you know who's going to win in the 5th at Arlington tomorrow?

NIBBLES
No. I know when and how all of you are going to die, but I'm not allowed to tell. (Long silence) What's the matter?

BRUCE
I'm just considering my own mortality.

CLETUS
Can you give me a little hint?

NIBBLES
I wouldn't be looking forward to dying if I were you, Mr. Warbat, because you probably won't be dating actresses in your afterlife.

CLETUS
Yeah, I knew that already.

NIBBLES
I'll just say that all of you should watch out for things you consider perfectly safe.

BRUCE
I knew I was going to die by slipping on soap in the shower.

NIBBLES
I've got to go, everyone. I was in the middle of a debate with Socrates about individual free will. Thanks for having a funeral for me and everything. Bye.

MR. ANNOUNCER
(after a pause) Let's see, where in the service were we?

SIGGY
Uh, the show's running a little late, Mr. Announcer, thanks to Nibbles descending from heaven, so can you just skip to the last page?

MR. ANNOUNCER
Okay..."Thank you everyone for coming today, and enjoy the buffet in the fellowship hall upstairs."

SIGGY
Thanks for bearing with us, everyone, and now back to the funny stuff.

SOUND FX: Applause