Home Page Golbanamaniarta!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Found text: the Nacho.org FAQ 

Found this on my hard drive, with a "last modified" date of September 21, 1998. There's no longer a nacho.org web site; I can't remember if this ever actually made it to that site when it was up and running. Hmm, I haven't had nachos in quite a while...

The nacho.org FAQ

By Jim Ellwanger

I. Nachos

Q. What is "nachos"?

According to the dictionary, a nacho is "a tortilla chip topped with cheese and a savory substance (as hot peppers) and broiled." When you have more than one nacho, preferably a giant plateful, you have "nachos."

Q. Why is 1969 significant?

Not only did the first moon landing occur, not only were there two 45-minute-long series running on prime-time TV, but the word "nacho" was first used in English, at least according to that same dictionary. It was obviously the greatest year in the history of mankind.

Q. "In English"?

"Nacho" means "flat-nosed" in Spanish. Picture a triangular tortilla chip with a curled-over tip. You might describe it as having a flat nose. Get it?

Q. Can nachos be baked instead of broiled?

The nacho.org consensus opinion is yes, at 350 degrees.

Q. Isn't it a good idea to keep an eye on the oven to make sure the nachos aren't burning?

That would be a good idea. Thanks for reminding me.

Q. How about the microwave?

The microwave may be a convenient place to dry off your wet cat or small dog, but nachos were meant to be savored, and that includes all aspects of nachos, all the way from purchasing the ingredients to settling in with a "Reader's Digest" in the lavatory the next day. But especially the cooking and, of course, the eating.

Q. How healthy are nachos?

Who cares?

Q. I do.

After your first bite of nachos, you won't anymore. Trust me.

II. Nacho Night

Q. What is Nacho Night?

We gather together to eat nachos every week, sometime in the evening. We take turns as the nachomaker.

Q. What is the origin of Nacho Night?

The phrase "We should do this on a regular basis." In other words, it has a similar origin to "Twelfth Night," "Nightline" and "Hockey Night in Canada."

Q. What night is Nacho Night?

It used to be every Thursday, but that was back when we were all college students and we could plan our schedules that easily.

Q. Are there any Nacho Night customs?

Somebody dripping salsa onto something. The "something" used to be, exclusively, a pair of pants, but now has become various other inanimate objects, including, but not limited to, shirts, tables, carpets, sleeping cats, and abstract paintings.

Q. What if I wanted to start my own Nacho Night?

I'd say, "Go for it, dude!" You'd laugh, because I'm not really the "dude"-saying type.

Q. Can I spell it "Nacho Nite"?

Can you get in an accident by playing with your Lite Brite while on the Thruway on the way to Rite Aid? No, really.

Q. How has Nacho Night helped the economy?

As of this writing, the Dow Jones Industrial Average is up over 2500 points since we started Nacho Night. Meanwhile, the economies of countries where they probably have Sushi Night or something aren't doing so well.

III. Cheese

Q. Nacho cheese?

You mean the kind that comes in a can? Good Lord, no. We shred our own. It's cheddar and/or Monterey Jack for me.

Q. How about "pepper Jack," I think it's called?

Whatever grips your chip.

Q. Huh?

You know, like "whatever floats your boat," but nacho-related. I just made it up.

IV. Savory Substances

Q. What kind of salsa do you use?

It varies. Whatever that week's nachomaker decides to buy.

Q. What strength?

Not Baby's First Salsa, and not "You'll Bleed Out All Your Orifices" strength, but anything else should be fine.

Q. What's everyone's favorite salsa?

I think the last time we took a vote, La Victoria won, but if I remember correctly, that was on a night when we'd had La Victoria salsa, so it wasn't a fair vote.

Q. What brand are they alluding to in those Pace commercials as being "made in New York City"?

I don't know, but I wish I did, because it obviously must be really good salsa that lots of people are buying for them to afford to have a salsa factory in New York City. Think about it...the cost of land and labor are higher in New York than just about anywhere else in the U.S., and then there's the cost of having all the ingredients shipped in from a long way away. (They don't grow too many tomatoes on Long Island, for example.)

Q. Isn't it possible they're just using "made in New York City" as a short way of saying "made by a major diversified faceless corporation that could care less about one particular product"?

Yeah, but what isn't made by a major diversified faceless corporation that could care less about one particular product these days?

Q. So aren't you all just tools of The Man?

Yes, but we'd all like to eventually become The Man, and that's how you start out.

V. nacho.org

Q. Wouldn't it take you less time to become The Man if you had a .com address?

The journey of a thousand nachos begins with a single bite.

Q. Do you have that on a T-shirt?

No, I have salsa stains on a T-shirt. And pants (see above).

Q. Philosophy aside, what's the real reason.

The man (not The Man) who owns nacho.com is holding out for lots of money from a major diversified faceless corporation.

Q. What if I have a question that's not answered here?

Is it nacho-related?

Q. Mmmmmmaybe...

If it is, e-mail me. If not, make sure your subject line is "tellme" and e-mail the best question-answering service I know of.
Now go away. There's nachos to be eaten.
Last updated September 21, 1998

Labels: ,

Comments: Post a Comment

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?